i am she by Cathy AJ Hardy

the song 'i am she' from the album, 'i am she...a soul's journey home', released in 2013.  For more updated blogs to to cathyajhardy.com

Living a Soul Centered Life

Recently I was challenged

to speak on 5 strategies of anything

I was passionate about

so I chose to speak on ...

5 Strategies of 

Living a Soul Centered Life

Sharing the video with you!

water massage

it was amazing to see posted
today on Facebook
a video of an infant
receiving
a water massage
incredible
a follow through on the last blog post
this video brought tears to my eyes
enjoy and
soak it in

freedom from shame - embracing the light within

one day
i had an experience
that changed
my life
I was having
a special massage
a water massage and the woman
massaging me
had strong mama hands
and I felt like a child
as she exfoliated
my skin
and the water
rushed over my body
when was the last time
someone
had washed me?
there was something
deeply nourishing
about these strong
mama hands
I surrendered to
being cleansed
to feeling
childlike
and then these words
and this epiphany happened
I thought about how we have
viewed the concept
of being cleansed
and how we sometimes
feel dirty inside
feel shame deep within
feel that at our deepest core
we are bad
this has been a theology
for the last 1000 years
called
original sin
but the Celtic tradition
and the Eastern Orthodox tradition said
no way - that's not true
but it is the tradition I knew
that at my deepest self
I am bad
And in this moment
of water massage
I tasted Divine Love
I knew a holy mother's love
How she views her child
when mud is splattered on the skin
She says
'baby, come to me.
take off those dirty clothes
strip down to your beautiful skin
I'll wash you clean again.'
It is because she knows the beauty underneath
it is with a fiery joy and wild love
that we are washed clean
and it is not about shame at all
in fact that was what I heard that day
these are the words I heard
'Cathy, I don't do shame.
I just don't do that
Wherever you are carrying shame - that's not me.
that's not how I love.'
I believe Divine Love longs to restore us to
our original beauty
our original creation
we are invited to be fully free
to live
to sing
to be radiant with the Love we have known at the
deepest level
of our souls
This is the Love I have tasted
This is the Love I have known
This is the Love that transforms, heals and redeems.
This is the Love that is here  - right here and right now.

live your truth

I found this draft of a post I wrote exactly one year ago.  It really spoke to me and so I am publishing it now.  Cathy

how do we live our truth?
I have realized I have been afraid
Afraid to speak my truth
Afraid to live my truth
learning at a young age
that uniformed thinking
is more important
than authentic humanity
But the world
is hungry
for authentic
people
Authentic individuals
are captivating
inspiring
They have overcome
this fear
the fear of being liked
to live out of a greater fear
The fear of being dishonest
to their soul
If I tell you my truth
I may no longer be in your circle
But if I tell you my truth
I set my soul free
How I speak my truth
can alienate
or build bridges
But first I must listen
what is my truth?
What is it that my soul
needs to express?
I believe that first I must accept the intrinsic value of my soul
before I will even begin to listen
And then when I listen -
to pay attention and to honour
the message of the soul
And then from listening, to act
to live
out from this place
This is living our truth
Living from our soul
Living with authenticity
Living with honesty humanity
and inviting others to do the same.

Begin Again

Begin Again

Begin

Again

Fresh

New

Light

Open

Doors

Winged

Opportunities

Fly

High  

Soar

Free

Eyes

Clear

Heart

Clean

Hands

Lifted

Ears

Listening

Spirit

Aware

Awake

Alive

Alert

Attentive

Meeting

Possibilities

Welcoming

Surprises

Awaiting

Goodness

Beauty

Surrounds

Beauty

Unfolds

Breathing

Deeply

Breathing

Fully

Breathing

Consciously

I

AM

Here

I

Embrace

What

Love

Brings

Yes

To

Goodness

Fruitfulness

Well-being

Peace

Wisdom

Provision

Protection

Fulfillment

Love

Love

Between me

And you

Love

Between me

And all

I touch

See

Know

Love

The centre

Of my

Being

Love

© 2012 Cathy AJ Hardy

this poem has now been published in the book, Spring, and at this link you can read an interview about it & order it if you like.
I first shared this poem one year ago, in January of 2012.
It feels fitting again to share this poem at the beginning of a new year and the reality we all share of constantly entering in to new beginnings whether we want to or not.  It is not always easy for me to be in the place of new beginning that I am currently in.  Perhaps it is only human to resist the discomfort that one feels in places that are new and awkward at times.  there is a sense of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, an awareness of uncertainty of the future.  Perhaps also it is an illusion that we ever really knew our future to begin with, but we like to think we have arranged our lives in such a way that we can walk into the future with confidence.  This has to be relinquished.  And beginning again each day is the true reality - embracing this moment, this hour, this day as it truly is.   Over and over again, I must open my heart and say 'yes' to what is today.  When I am able to open my heart to this present moment, I awaken to tremendous beauty that constantly surprises me. I also learn to be with the discomfort and know that the discomfort doesn't define me, but is part of my human experience. When I open my heart, I am aware of the Presence of Love that seeks to flow within and all around.  This Presence of Love is constantly flowing with creativity, new life, restoration, & possibility.  For 2013, I open my heart again to 'begin again' every day - to live with the Presence of Love.

January 1, 2013

woods of Mission BC



This photo was taken on
my walk today
in the glorious sunshine
crisp air
and inspiring presence
of the woods of Mission.

My Prayer for us all in 2013

may your bones shine with the radiance of Love

may your heart beat with the joy of knowing your intrinsic value

may your mind be filled with thoughts & intentions rooted in the Creator's love for you

may your feet carry you to where you need to be

may your eyes behold beauty

may your hands be open and receptive to all that Love longs to bring to you

may your hands offer blessing to all they touch

may you move out of Love's response rather than fear's reaction

May you be energized by Love

May your soul know grace & mercy

May your soul offer grace & mercy

May you become the reflection of Love.

copyright 2012  Cathy AJ Hardy

And here is a small poem that may inspire.....

Poetry- I Got Kin

December 25th, 2012

                                           Love Shines

Starlight

Starlight

Starlight shine on me

Moonlight

Moonlight

Moonlight shine on me

Sunlight

Sunlight

Sunlight shine on me

Source of all light, shine down

Source of all light, shine down

Light shines and darkness flees

Source of all light shine down

Source of all light shine down

All light shine down on me

Hope shines

Hope shines

Hope rises in me

Joy shines

Joy shines

Joy rises in me

Love Shines

Love Shines 

Love Rises in me

Source of all love rise up

Source of all love rise up

Love Shines and darkness flees

Source of all love rise up

Source of all love rise up

Source of all love rise up in me

Love shines

and we are free

copyright 2008 Cathy Aj Hardy

This song keeps circling back to my heart

especially when I can't feel it any more

or don't think I can sing it again

It carries a truth

about a deeper reality

something radiant

that cannot 

be destroyed

something glorious

that shines beyond

all human suffering and sadness

and I have tasted

deep suffering and sadness 

and walked with others who have tasted a sadness

far beyond my own

and yet

it is like a melody that I can only faintly hear at times

a sweet smell that is calling me home

an awareness that deepens if

I open my heart

this radiant

force

is

Love

I believe

that

Love is Shining

even in my (our) deepest darkness

even when we cannot feel it, taste it, or sense it

it doesn't matter

the reality

remains

Love is Shining

May hope rise in your bones

May joy rise in the depths of your heart

May love shine in the beauty of your soul

this day

and in all the days to come.

Merry Christmas

labyrinth

It has been a long while since I have posted here in 'blog-land'.
I've been walking the labyrinth the past few months....metaphorically speaking...

the labyrinth - if you have never walked it
is a meditative walk that goes back thousands of years.  One of the oldest labyrinths is in the Chartes cathedral of France.  The Catholic leaders were suspicious of this walk - but found that their own priests were secretly walking it regularly.  Today it is open every Friday and thousands of people walk it every year.  This particular labyrinth pictured above is called a 7-circuit labyrinth and is the model for the one I am half-way through creating on my own property.
When one enters the labyrinth - there is a feeling of anticipation that one is walking towards the centre.  But... it takes interesting twists and turns and you find yourself walking in and then back towards the outer edges over and over before you eventually do find yourself at the centre.  It is difficult for anyone to really describe well what the walk does internally.
But it is the best way for me to describe my journey these past few months. The inward journey of moving forward but then also going through spaces where it feels like one is moving backwards.
The journey of letting go, grieving and embracing a new life is not a quick weekend experience.  There is a long, long path of this transition.
My friend who visited China last year said that in one village - the greeting people give to each other is 'walk slowly'.  On the labyrinth one has to walk slowly and that is where I have been - walking slowly.
Observing, pondering, allowing.
And the interesting thing is that I find myself in a growing place of 'joyful expectancy'.  Almost as a pregnant mother - feeling life within my soul - new life that is becoming ready to be born in this world.
Life that grows slowly in dark places with no hurry - but patiently forming in hidden places.
There are new songs, new poetry, new stories, new understandings that have come from 'walking slowly' - and soon it will be time to share.

a hidden wholeness

This summer has been a rich time -  a time of friendship, beauty, rest and continued soul healing.
I've been doing some soul work on unconscious beliefs that I carry - that many of us carry - and been surprised at what I've uncovered.  Stuff I thought I had already figured out - but there are more layers to freedom it seems.  And soul freedom is what I'm singing about these days.
We've all heard the idea of how we sabotage our own success at times - and I'm realizing it is what happens when our internal beliefs are at odds with each other.....for example
I have a dream to do such and such.....at odds with......you are really full of yourself to have such a dream
and so a stalemate emerges....and the dream is aborted.
One belief that has really surprised me has been a basic belief of unworthiness.
'I am not worthy'....
   not worthy of a whole list of things.....including happiness


Why do we carry such garbage around in our hearts?
One concept that has become clear to me that the type of Christianity that we in the west have known has come out of pietistic background - where love of body, beauty, pleasure of any kind was seen as evil.  To love God meant to love self-abasement and denial of any sense of pleasure.
Therefore if I am happy - then I am probably not loving God, right????
I am probably being 'selfish' and against God???


Could it  be that these ideas are a little screwed up?


And I've realized it's not just me - but many of us are carrying these subtle but powerful beliefs - that keep us from shining to the fullness of which we have been created.
And then,  just yesterday I saw on Facebook:
'thank you Jesus for saving me.  Without Jesus I am WORTHLESS.'


wow - there it is - right in the open....a belief stated about being worthless
I have to express - I don't think that is the heart of the gospel


How does one sift through a pious Christian upbringing and hang on to the concept of grace & forgiveness and new beginnings - and shed the web of sticky beliefs that are so detrimental to being full of the light and life of Love itself?


In the Celtic tradition, there is a way of seeing the human being as whole from the beginning  - and that we carry perhaps a 'hidden wholeness' as Parker Palmer expresses.  Yes, we all know brokenness and are all deeply aware of our humanity, but underneath our brokenness, is the wonder of our souls.  I believe that Jesus was returning people to that knowing and returning them to a sense of their true value and worth - not declaring them WORTHLESS without HIM. 


 We are ALL worthy of Divine Love. 


once we taste the mystery of this, the magic of this - it pours out and we want to pass it on.  This is where grace lives. This is where joy is tasted.  This is where beauty begins.


To a friend today that is overwhelmed with life circumstances - and this may be for you, the reader,  too - here are the words I want to say:




Sending you love
And tender arms
I know it is a painful time and there is a great sense of judgement you are carrying about yourself.
No words from any person can easily lift this from you.
But I want to speak truth to you in the midst of this.
You are worthy of great love
You are worthy of knowing compassion
You are worthy to be called by name – beautiful human being that you are
Your soul holds a wholeness that is perfect – beyond all the brokenness
Nothing you could have done or not done will ever change this beauty in you
You are precious
You are loved

Patch by Patch

patch by patch  - on Pender Island

enjoying the beauty 

of 

Pender Island

leading others in retreat

and leading myself

into a rhythm

of rest

stillness

listening

receptivity

and

restoration.

it is a privilege to listen to others

and the beauty that emerges from people's souls

when they have been given 

value

time

attention

and safety.

I would like to share a poem that was shared yesterday

by a young man on retreat here

His name is Adam Roper and he gave me permission to share this

work of art:

How do you heal from hurt

that isn't finished yet?

working its wry little magic,

you let it unravel

string by string

and sew it

patch by patch

until you 

have a story

to wear

as a precious garment

and

by spring

you'll know

something

new

another friend recently 

spoke with me 

about the ebb and flow 

of our healing

there is a myth

we tend to believe...

when I get better

when I am whole

when I am strong

when I am not a mess

......

then.....I can contribute

then.....I will be loved

then.....I can heal others

then....everything will be better

what I am learning

is that life is circular

in an ever widening spiral

of healing

and this poem 

so eloquently 

expresses this complexity

of the unravelling

I must allow

and the sewing back together

that is a mystery and a gift

to view life as a beautiful tapestry

of all the pieces

patch

by 

patch

peacock feathers and new life

last night I experienced again the sense of awe
of how little things can come together
that are inexplainable
all I can do in those moments
is tell the story and
be filled with wonder

2 weeks ago I went to visit a friend
after I left she called
she said 'where your vehicle was parked, was a peacock feather...did you lose it from your car?'
I thought that was strange.
I didn't have a peacock feather in my car and when I had parked and I hadn't noticed anything on the road.
So, I decided to google peacock feathers and see if they carried symbolic meaning
And I found that they have been known to be a symbol of resurrection.

Well this was pretty amazing as the friend I had visited had just lost a precious loved one.
So, it seemed that this precious feather was a possible sign of hope for her - but also for me.
Resurrection means new life, a new beginning from something that has died.
So, in these past two weeks I have had those thoughts in the back of my mind.
Last night, a friend gave me a beautiful gift of a blanket for my birthday, and as some of us were looking at it, I noticed that there were peacocks as part of the image on the blanket.  I mentioned how I had just learned the significance of peacocks and how I now was glad to have a beautiful blanket to help me remember.  One of the friends looking at the blanket stopped and looked at me and said - oh wow, wait til you open the gift I have brought for you.
and it turns out when she had shopped for a gift, all she was drawn to at the store was peacocks.  And so she bought me three things that were all symbolic of peacocks.
Yesterday was a day in my life - but it was also a day of resurrection, a day of new beginnings.
A birthday can be just a 'day', but it can hold an opening of a new chapter as well.
When events such as these come on a pile, I know that I can ignore the gift - or I can celebrate it - and say thank you!
THANK YOU for reminding me of new life
THANK YOU for inspiring me for new beginnings
THANK YOU for showing me there is abundance of resources and possibilities
THANK YOU that beyond loss, resurrection happens
THANK YOU for LIFE

June 29, 2012

45!!!

June 29, 2012

Today I am grateful

for life

for breath

for 2nd chances

for beauty

for forgiveness

for mercy

for friendship

for safe places

for kind hearts

for new songs

for joy

for dancing

for love

for laughter

for daughters

for family

for every lesson learned

for mentors

for inspiration

for the forest

for the river

for music

for children

for new life every day

for new beginnings

for the opportunity to be broken

and know my humanity

and to know the wonder

of grace

for community

for all that awaits me as I enter the rest of my life.

Thank you for being a part of my story.

Cathy

Dancing into Joy

photo by www.rastudio.ca

Dancing into Joy

This week held the wild extremes of life

Celebration of life and love, music & friends

Desolation and grief over another unexpected death of a young 16year old

daughter of my close friend

Grief came close to my heart again

Walking into the home of fresh loss

is vulnerable

and tender

Ripping my own heart open again

with reminders of my personal losses

bringing me to a place of fatigue

and frailty

And then...

someone comes with a gift of dancing music

flamenco style

we listen in the car in my driveway

but then the music takes hold me

grabs my heart and 

leads me onto the dance floor of my driveway

I throw my self into the dance of life

the undercurrent of joy that still is at the root of my being

My body celebrates a knowing that is deeper

than any human circumstance

My heart experiences the wonder of transcendence

a place beyond my thinking

a place where all is well

and all will be well

And I dance

And dance

And the dance carries me

and reminds me of how to live

how to be present

how to carry on in the coming moments and days and weeks and months and years

always being rooted in the well-spring of joy

always yielding to what is beyond my human understanding

always saying YES

to MORE

I will dance

I will sing

I will live

joyful receptivity

It was first through Carl Jung (Jungian psychology)  and then many others since then that I understood about the masculine and feminine nature that we all carry as human beings (the anima & the animus).  A man carries masculine and feminine qualities and a woman carries feminine and masculine qualities.  Masculine qualities would be loosely defined as goal setting, competition, accomplishments, being task oriented.  Feminine qualities would be more about 'being' than 'doing'.  Receptivity, nurture, beauty, rest, relationships.  One is not stronger than the other - both masculine energy and feminine energy are extremely powerful and needed for wholeness.


In our culture, we live in a masculine oriented society where we place huge value on our achievements and success.  Both men and women have lost the essence of rest and receptivity - but I think we as women have especially lost this....I know I did for many years as feminine qualities were deeply undervalued.  I did not know the value - of stillness and how stillness would then launch me into activity in more healthy ways.  I did not know the beauty of 'being' or 'rest'.   Women have learned to be successful in a man's world - we know how to compete, how to achieve, and how to fight for what we want.  Because women were so undervalued in society for so long - we have had to fight for our value and equal rights - but rediscovering our feminine qualities does not negate our value or worth.  Quite the opposite.  Ultimately we also need to know how to receive, how to be present, and how to rest.  This brings wholeness and beauty into our lives along with our many achievements and accomplishments in the community and personal lives.  


The men in my life who have also learned to embody these feminine qualities alongside their masculine qualities are some of the most amazing men I know - wholesome, rich in character, blessed in many relationships and life-work.


The phrase that has come to me this week about 'true femininity' has been this:  joyful receptivity.


It is quite a phrase - joyful receptivity.  
where do I allow others to give to me?  
Where do I allow space for Life to come and provide for me without me striving? 
Do I celebrate and give thanks for what has been given?


Alongside the goals I am setting for my day in my work and personal life, I want to open my heart to joyfully receive all the beauty that Life is bringing.

how do we see the world?

There is a website that I go to often called Sounds True...

I have listened to many inspirational authors, teachers and musicians here.

Today I listened to a recording of the late author and poet, John O'Donohue.

He was speaking on the way of looking at the world.

Here are some of his words that inspired me with how to live today......

John O’Donohue...

"An interesting way of doing some work on who you are is 

to take a look at the kind of ‘looking’ that you do? 

And ask yourself ‘what way do you behold the world?’

To the loving eye, everything is real.

And this is not love in a sentimental or naïve way. 

It is love as the gracious criterion of truth, celebration and reality.

Kathleen Raine –  the Celtic poet says...

'Unless you see a thing in the light of love, you don’t see a thing at all'

Love is the light in which we see everything in its true origin, nature and destiny.

If we could look at the world in a loving way, 

then the world would rise up before us in 

great possibility 

and invitation 

and depth."

How do I see you?

How do I see my work?

How do we see each other and live?

I hope these words inspire you today to open you up to looking with love at everyone and all that crosses your path today.

open spaces

Open Spaces

Recently I moved a painting
that filled a large space
to another room
where it delighted me more
but it left
an
open space.....
the open space
bothered me
what did I have to fill it?
it was blank
it was empty
it felt like nothing
and yet
I didn't want to fill it cheaply
it was a special space
a space I looked at often each day
it needed to have meaning
and be
significant
you can't just quickly fill
an
open space
a holy space
with junk
so I continued to look at that empty space
and wonder when I would know
what to place there
One day
unexpectedly
as I invited many people in
for an evening concert
one woman
handed me
an unexpected gift
a big gift
that I received into my hands
not knowing
what it was.
Late that night after the music
wine and eating was complete
and I was alone
I opened the gift
to my surprise
it was a beautiful hanging.
I knew immediately where it belonged
I hung it in the
open space
I stared at this beauty
this surprise
and I thought about other
open spaces in my heart
in my life
am I too quick to try to fill
what only a gift can fill?
do I allow time and discomfort to remain
with my
open spaces?
do I trust that
beauty will come
surprisingly and unexpectedly
in the open spaces of my heart?
can I enjoy the empty canvass
a clean slate
a new start
a fresh beginning?

Open spaces yield creativity
an opening of the heart
for new life
Open spaces open hearts
for change
a new way of looking at something

Open spaces allow room
for new growth, new life, new gifts
Open spaces can feel uncomfortable, empty, barren, and lonely......
but if we linger and wait.....
surprises may come knocking on our front door.

sacrament of the woods

I grew up on church property.
The house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life was on the same large lot as the church building where my father was a minister.  Every time I stepped outside, the church was right in front of me.  The church and all that it was the symbol of affected me profoundly.  Ours was the only church in the community where we lived, so it was symbolic in the community as well - the place of sacrament, the place of God, the place of right and wrong.

My favourite aspect of the church property on which I lived was the sense of community that surrounded it.  There were always people coming and going.  There was always an activity to observe or be part of.  We had great New Years gatherings and events throughout the year.

As I write this, I am listening to the bells of the Abby ringing above me in MIssion.  We also had a church bell and I would stand by the man who would ring it on Sunday mornings and watch and listen.

The church also carried with it many aspects that I've needed to let go of.  There was an invisible line that you could not cross, and perhaps it was especially so being the pastor's daughter.  There were many parts of me that felt stunted in growth, too afraid to explore and discover who I really am...almost afraid of my own humanity, because it didn't fit in with the program.

Later in life, I discovered how becoming fully human is the most spiritual task I can have.  To be truly alive - to be all I've been created to be.....

I am not in a church today and it is 10:00 on Sunday morning.  Sometimes I do go and am connected with wonderful relationships in two different communities.
However, if you asked me what church I really love, my real answer would be this:

I belong to the church of the woods.
and what a journey this has been.

a while ago, a priest asked me how I felt about the Sacraments of the church- and living a sacramental life.  I pondered this a lot - and wondered if I had the courage to answer honestly. But eventually I did, because if I don't speak my truth now, when will I ever speak?

And this is what I said:

As I walk in the woods, I touch Presence.
As I gaze at the sky, as I take in the beauty of the mountains, as I watch the eagle over me,
I am filled with wonder.
As I touch the fresh moss growing on the dead tree trunk, as I hold the birch bark in my hands,
as I feel the sun shining on my face, tears fall from my eyes from the sheer beauty of it all.
As I step on old leaves under my feet, as I run my hands along the trunk of a Maple, as I take in the beauty of the the ferns growing around the shiny cliff rocks wet from all the rain,
I am connected to my Creator.
This is my bread.
This is my wine.

In the woods, I am taught so many lessons - lessons about letting go, death, rebirth, beauty, being.
In the woods, I am invited into true authenticity and inner freedom
There is no shame here - but an invitation to be fully alive and to be part of Creation in the most loving and beautiful way that I can.
There is refreshment here and food for the soul.

To this church, I go almost every day.
And I cherish each moment.

our story

how we tell our story shapes us
how we speak our reality defines us

we all live a story and are part
of a great story, a great adventure

i have been learning a lot
about what I tell myself
and what I tell others
what is my truth, my story?

I may say:
I am alone
I am frightened of my future
I am overwhelmed with financial burdens
I am living with lost dreams

and it is true

or I may say:
I am surrounded with loving friendships
I am awake to hope for my future
I have much and am able to be a blessing to others
I am living with new dreams and possibilities

and it is true

when I live out of the first one - I live out of my poverty.  I want to hoard my possessions and move to self-pity.  Fear engulfs me and anxiety paralyzes me.

when I live out of the second one - I realize a sense of adventure.  I awaken to all that I have been given and I can choose to share. With surprise I receive the joy of giving.  Invitations for living and sharing multiply and my 'two loaves and five fish' that I yield to the Source of Life not only feed me but so many around me.  And I awaken to the joy of living in abundance.  Sharing with all my heart what I have been given - knowing that I am being taken care of.  And the mystery of community, intimacy, nurture, dreams and living with purpose and meaning become a daily reality.

It is true - there is more than enough
I am rich with companionship, love, friendship and community.
And I give thanks.

my real appointment today.....thank you

Today there was a moment
that surprised me
unexpected encounter
pause
breathe
be aware
be awake
give thanks

I was in a new doctor's office
and waiting for my name to be called
an elderly woman sat two chairs over
and started to talk

elderly woman:  have you been here before? this is my first time
me: (I don't feel like chatting....)  yes, my first time

elderly woman:  I think it feels nice in here
me: mmmm ( remember I don't feel like chatting)

elderly woman:  I think the staff here are very pleasant
me:  hmmm hmmm

elderly woman: I'm learning to live alone
pause
I soak in her words.....'I'm learning to live alone'

I have a moment inside of me where I transition from....'please stop talking to me' to - 'Cathy, wake up.....be awake, be aware'..... and I feel a shiver go through my body -

I turn and gaze into this face beside me......

me:  what happened?
elderly woman:  my husband died 2 years ago.  We were married 52 years.  I'm alone now.

me:  Did you have any children?
elderly woman - pain shooting across her face: yes, I had five sons.  They all died.
me: gasp
elderly woman:  yes, 2 died in car accidents, one died in a boating accident and 2 died of muscular dystrophy.

elderly woman - with a loving look in her face:  are you married?
me:  I'm alone too.  I'm learning to live alone for the first time. My marriage has ended.
elderly woman:  sometimes things need to end.  sometimes it is better.
me:  silence.....deeply listening

elderly woman:  you know, I could give up on life.  I know a woman, she gave up.  She couldn't face being alone and so she just sat in her rocking chair every day.  Now she is in the psyche ward.  I get afraid too, afraid of being old by myself.  But I choose to get involved.  I'm going to Uganda next week to volunteer! And I volunteer in the community. I've started having 'girls nights' with my friends!  Even though I don't understand all of life, I believe in eternity and everything will be OK.  I know that God is with me, even when I don't understand all the loss.

As she tells me this, I am gazing into her face.  Her eyes become sparkly and bright and she speaks with a 'knowing'.  She is radiant with beauty through her wrinkles and white hair.

I reach into my purse.
I take out a 'Love Shines' CD.

me:  I'm a musician - I want to share this with you.  Thank you for talking to me.

I take her hand.

me: I'm Cathy
elderly woman:  I'm Erna

Reception desk:  Cathy, time for your appointment.

me:  I believe I just had my appointment.