trust

trust is another word

that has taught me so much over the

past few years.

this morning it spoke to me again.

This word came into my life in a powerful way

when someone challenged me that I had an issue

with 'trust'.  

I agreed!  I did not trust!

Anxiety is a result of a lack of trust and I was full of it.

Anxiety propelled me into controlling behaviour that was unpleasant to be around and increased my unhappiness.

So, realizing I had 'trust' issues - I began a fighting dialogue - 

with God...

it went something like this - 

'I don't think I like you- and I definitely don't trust you!'

It was extremely liberating to be honest.  

all my life I was taught to be a good girl - and good girls should not speak the truth - especially about negative feelings.

To be able to express my lack of trust felt 'human' and 'freeing'.

I could almost hear God laugh at me in joy.

'So you don't trust me?  How's that working for ya?'

So, we began a dialogue that was actually quite humorous.  My job was to be honest and then to listen.  What I heard was profound and so releasing.  I heard things like - 'OK, so you don't trust Me - just let me know when you're ready.'

There was no pressure to be 'good'....no pressure to 'please'....just an invitation -when I'm ready to jump into trust - that there was this Presence waiting for me to work with me.

So, one day - I said - OK - I'll trust you with this situation. I'll 'let go' of my control here.

I could feel the 'smile' coming big towards me.  

My relationship with God has become this incredible adventure of dialogue - involving 3 basic steps:

being utterly humanly honest

listening

taking risks from what I've heard

this morning - again I was tempted towards anxiety

and again the old whisper - 

'I'm here when you're ready to trust'

It brings a smile to my face when I hear this.
The adventure continues