Friday, May 06, 2011

trust is another word
that has taught me so much over the
past few years.
this morning it spoke to me again.
This word came into my life in a powerful way
when someone challenged me that I had an issue
with 'trust'.  
I agreed!  I did not trust!
Anxiety is a result of a lack of trust and I was full of it.
Anxiety propelled me into controlling behaviour that was unpleasant to be around and increased my unhappiness.
So, realizing I had 'trust' issues - I began a fighting dialogue - 
with God...
it went something like this - 
'I don't think I like you- and I definitely don't trust you!'
It was extremely liberating to be honest.  
all my life I was taught to be a good girl - and good girls should not speak the truth - especially about negative feelings.
To be able to express my lack of trust felt 'human' and 'freeing'.
I could almost hear God laugh at me in joy.
'So you don't trust me?  How's that working for ya?'
So, we began a dialogue that was actually quite humorous.  My job was to be honest and then to listen.  What I heard was profound and so releasing.  I heard things like - 'OK, so you don't trust Me - just let me know when you're ready.'
There was no pressure to be 'good' pressure to 'please'....just an invitation -when I'm ready to jump into trust - that there was this Presence waiting for me to work with me.
So, one day - I said - OK - I'll trust you with this situation. I'll 'let go' of my control here.
I could feel the 'smile' coming big towards me.  
My relationship with God has become this incredible adventure of dialogue - involving 3 basic steps:
being utterly humanly honest
taking risks from what I've heard

this morning - again I was tempted towards anxiety
and again the old whisper - 
'I'm here when you're ready to trust'
It brings a smile to my face when I hear this.
The adventure continues

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