DesertRose

transformation

2012-01-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

I breathe in the sky

I breathe out

I breathe in the light

I breathe out

I breathe in the trees

I breathe out

I breathe in the field

I breathe out

I breathe in the rocky cliff

I breathe out

I breathe in the river flow

I breathe out

I breathe in LIFE

I breathe out transformation

I breathe in eagles wings

I breathe out

I breathe in the rain

I breathe out

I breathe in the wind

I breathe out

I breathe in stardust

I breathe out

I breathe in the curve of the moon

I breathe out

I breathe in sunlight

I breathe out

I breathe in LIFE

I breathe out transformation

©Dec 2011 Cathy AJ Hardy

I'm Alive

this is a painting I did in 2003

(making large card-sized prints if you are interested in having a copy- thanks

Craig Noa for helping me with this!)

freedom

2012-01-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I've been thinking a lot about the word freedom.

In the most recent home concert where Boris Sichon & I performed, we sang for the first time an old Yiddish song called Dona Dona. This song was made famous by Joan Baez in the 1970's.

Dona dona

(BY THE WAY - if you would like to host a house concert or are interested in coming to one - please contact me for more info)

Dona dona was a song that went through the Warsaw ghetto during WWII and became symbolic of the journey of freedom for the Jewish community.

Singing this song on January 7th was a powerful experience - a way to connect with the past, a way to sing about the present and also a vision for the future. We all long for freedom and it isn't always easily attained. There are many things that hold us back from living authentically, whether we have physical chains around us or invisible ones in our minds.

In 2012 I want to sing about freedom.

This weekend as I was thinking about the theme of freedom, a friend sent me this cartoon - which is called freedom.

It is by David Hayward

I love this picture - it says a lot to me! About taking huge risks and stepping out of the norm!!

Cheers to freedom in 2012!!

begin again

2012-01-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

Begin

Again

Fresh

New

Light

Open

Doors

Winged

Opportunities

Fly

High

Soar

Free

Eyes

Clear

Heart

Clean

Hands

Lifted

Ears

Listening

Spirit

Aware

Awake

Alive

Alert

Attentive

Meeting

Possibilities

Welcoming

Surprises

Awaiting

Goodness

Beauty

Surrounds

Beauty

Unfolds

Breathing

Deeply

Breathing

Fully

Breathing

Consciously

Here

Embrace

What

Love

Brings

Yes

Goodness

Fruitfulness

Well-being

Peace

Wisdom

Provision

Protection

Fulfillment

Love

Between me

And you

Love

Between me

And all

I touch

See

Know

Love

The centre

Of my

Being

Love

January 1st, 2012

2012-01-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Words to live into...

I have let go of New Year's resolutions

and in the past decade

have found a new way

of entering into the New Year

I listen for a word

one word or simple phrase

and that word or simple phrase

becomes an inspiration

for my whole year

these words haven't all been easy

but they have stretched me

and called me

and taught me

One year was the word

wait

One year was the word

courage

One year was the word

joy

Instead of feeing burdened by

a list of resolutions

I feel inspired and called on

a treasure hunt

of learning

The word for 2011 stayed at the top of my journal

every day

through good days and bad

and it called to me

I learned so much

and am still learning

I have a new word for

2012

Maybe I'll write about it

in 2013

but for now,

I have a lot of learning to do

2012

here I come

December 31, 2011

2011-12-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

A coming to a close

a turning of the page

the past will always

inside of me

and yet

it doesn't have to

have a

hold

on me

life dances

with

a constant interaction

of the mystery

of what is seen

with the

mystery of

what is unseen

a tapestry of moments

meetings

mystery

Let me be gentle

with the pages

already turned

Let me be open

to a new chapter of possibilities

Let me know the adventure

of a story

not yet complete

I Bind My Life to Love......

2011-12-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

one of my favourite prayers!

I bind my life to Love

Merry Christmas everyone.

I bind my mind to Love

I bind my heart to Love

I bind my feet to the path that Love has for me

I bind my life to Love

I bind my mind to Love

I bind my heart to Love

I open my hands to receive Love’s gifts

I bind my life to Love

I bind my mind to Love

I bind my heart to Love

I open my life to let Love flow through

I bind my life to Love

Love speaks and says to me

Arise, and Come with me

Winter is over and gone

And the time for singing has come

Yes the time for singing has come

ebb and flow and the deepening of roots

2011-12-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

as I stand on the shore of change
I feel the ebb and flow
of the tides
the energy of
the ocean
moving towards me
life
beauty
laughter
washing over me
and then
I feel the sand sinking
beneath
my feet
the sucking of life
pulling away from me
as the water retreats
and I am left
barren
on the shore
in pools of grief
letting go of what was familiar to me
and present to my unknown future
and I am reminded
of a time past
when I saw myself as a tree
and the beautiful gardener came
to me
with tender eyes
but an axe
in his hand
and he chopped
all my branches off
til I was only a stump
I was a stump for a long time
what was important on the outside
needed to be pruned
away
and little did I know
that roots needed time
to grow
deep down into the earth
so that my tree
could come
back to life.
And I was very surprised
one day
when I realized
I was growing again
new life
coming back
new branches being formed
and the tree was more solid than it had ever been
and the roots have continued to grow
and there has been
an
ebb and flow to my tree
times of growth,
times of deepening
times of fruit bearing
and times of letting the leaves fall

And now I must trust
these deep roots
that they are even deeper
than the ebb and flow
of the ocean waters
of life
that come close to me now

My humanity
longs for certainty
for predictability
for normalcy

My prayer for this season
is that my heart can stay open
to trusting
to loving
to resting
to being
in the midst of the ebb and flow
of my heart

and that I may embrace the moments that are full and wash over me with abundance
and that I may let the tears flow when the tides of emptiness and longing pull the waters
back again into the wide ocean

knowing that my roots are tapped into
streams of living water
and I will live.

let it be

2011-12-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

let it be
words of Mary
saying yes to the
unexpected realities
of her life
saying yes
to knowing
she might be
an outcast
abandoned
rejected
even stoned
her yes
was not
passive
or weak
it was a powerful
and
courageous
yes
what had been her dreams
for her life?
what had been her aspirations?

but in that unexpected hour
in the moment
of her life being changed
in direction

she said
let it be
let it be

letting go of what was
and allowing
a new reality
let it be

living in the present moment
and shifting
perspective
let it be

letting go of of fear
and saying
yes to trust
let it be

allowing hope for a new
beginning
seeds of dreams
let it be

and as the Beatles sang it....
And when the night is cloudy
there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow,
let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

tidings of comfort and joy

2011-12-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

comfort
and
joy

Two powerful words that form the basis of the chorus of a well-known Christmas carol.
This season, I have created new words for this old carol.......

here they are:

(sing to 'God rest ye merry gentlemen')

From all four corners of the earth

From land and sea and sky

From deepest depths of ocean

From mountain peaks on high

A song of hope

A song of love

A song of peace is born

O Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

For those whose song has ended

For those whose hearts have died

For those whose dreams are broken

For those who weep and sigh

A promise of

Redemption comes

A story of new life

O Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

Don’t let your hearts be troubled

And do not be afraid

Love overcomes all darkness

Love overcomes all shame

Let’s sing a song of freedom

Let’s sing a song of praise

O Tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

O Tidings of comfort and joy

A song of hope igniting

A song of love is born

A song of peace fills all the earth

this glorious Christmas morn

A song of hope

A song of love

A song of peace is born

O tidings of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

To the melody of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ .

Lyric changes by Cathy AJ Hardy 2011

the diminished chord and the journey of perfection

2011-12-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today I was talking to my mom about her quilts.
And how they add to my home - filling two walls in particular with their art.
My mom said - but they are not perfect.
Ahh mom....
it is like the beautiful diminished chord I said.
A few years ago I had a wonderful music theory/history teacher.
When he spoke of the composers he spoke as if he knew them personally - he knew their music so well. He shared with me his love of musical scores, love of musical patterns and many historical pieces of information I knew little about.
One day he shared with me about the diminished chord.
The diminished chord was one of my technical requirements with the Royal Conservatory of Canada, but I had never really understood its' roots.
If you take a major scale and build a chord on every single note of the scale, there is something called a perfect 5th that occurs on every single note - except one. The 7th note of the scale. Instead of a perfect 5th, you have what is called a flat 5th.
This was greatly disturbing in the past - because it didn't create a perfect pattern. It became known as the devil's chord and was forbidden to be used in different time periods.
This devil's chord then became one of the hallmarks of the 'sound of jazz' - the flat 5th....and perhaps why jazz was called 'the devil's music'...
There is a certain amount of dissonance in this sound - one that creates a desires for resolution.
But I love the sound of this chord, this sound - and I use it in some of my compositions....
Whenever I am tempted to desire life to be 'perfect', I am reminded of the diminished chord....
that instead of 'the devil's chord', it is really a chord of beauty -
the diminished chords of our lives
bring tension
bring dissonance
remind us that life is not about
being 'perfect'
but about
so much more.
If I am able to embrace
life and all it's imperfections -
maybe I will learn some grace in living
and perhaps maybe
I'll be able to receive the love of others in a deeper way
knowing that they are also
embracing me
and all of my imperfections
the diminished chord
in me.

more about beauty

2011-12-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

beauty.....

There is a lot of beauty in the poem below written by Chelsea Reimer at the recent Silent Retreat I was leading in November. As she read her poetry out loud to us on the last day of the retreat, I was struck by her words and images. Our culture runs away from sadness, from death, from waiting, from emptiness. and in these words, she is inviting us to see the beauty in these very things. And to perhaps not only 'see' the beauty but to rest in it. To rest in our sadness, to rest in our waiting. To embrace the dark shadowed parts of our lives as much as the light filled pockets. And in doing so, we embrace the full picture of being human.
A Beauty.

There is a beauty in sadness,
A soft exhaling breath
of something felt so deeply
and as quietly as death.

There is a beauty in waiting
for joy to wander back,
and watching as the day grows dim
from yellow tones to black.

There is a beauty in feeling
what all creation knows,
in letting life have ups and downs
and walking through its woes.

There is a beauty in knowing
that night is just a hue,
and that in depths of sadness
my heart can rest in you.

by Chelsea Reimer
November, 2011

christmas season - hanging on and letting go

2011-12-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

christmas season
marked by memories of years past
what we hope for
what we long for
what pains us
what yields joy
a time to hang on
a time to let go

hanging on
to treasured simple moments of the past
letting go
of disappointments
hanging on
to choosing love
letting go
of being bitter
hanging on
to continue to dream
letting go of the 'way it should be'
hanging on
to possibilities
letting go
of futile thinking
hanging on
to a spirit of generosity
letting go of isolation
hanging on
to child-like faith
letting go
of cynicism
hanging on
to beauty
letting go
of barrenness
hanging on
to faith, hope and love
letting go
of anything less

story 2 from the song journey

2011-12-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

another story from the song journey.....

Thirteen years ago, when I was 31 years old, I hit the depths of despair. I guess everyone has their own story – what really constitutes loss for them. My loss may not seem like much to you, but it is based on what I valued, what I treasured, what I had placed my hopes and dreams on. And it got taken away. However, unbeknownst to me at the time, the loss held it’s own magical treasure which I have slowly unpacked year by year.

I had grown up with understanding that my life’s value revolved around the men in my life, my father and future husband. I learned intrinsically to know their needs and desires and that service to them was where my identity was held. My husband never desired this kind of value system, but I wasn’t even consciously aware that I held it and operated out of it. It created all kinds of chaos for our marriage.

Instead of an equal partnership, I sought to make my husband more than he was and I subtly placed all kinds of pressures on him. Not that he had not inspired me to do so as well! When I first met him, he was a young man full of adventure before him, dreams yet to be realized and excitement for the future. I was excited to partner with him.

Life doesn’t always unfold as you believe it will when you are twenty. One day my husband came to tell me he didn’t know if we could remain married. Our joint faith of Christianity had become something he could no longer identify with and he needed room to change. He didn’t know if he could remain with me, someone who still identified as a Christian, and he didn’t know if I would want to remain with him as one who could not.

In some ways, we were both in shock at this time.

Our wedding vows had been, ‘here we are Lord, send us’……putting our faith and the desire for service at the very epicenter of our relationship. If the epicenter was no longer there – did we have anything left?

So began a desperate journey to find out.

What I had valued……was disappearing before me.

A time for weeping had begun.

I went for counseling.

It was expensive. I had no money.

But I was desperate. I needed help.

So, I kept going.

One day, my counselor asked me a question. And it will ever be a moment that will remain with me. It is a moment that time stood still and made my soul pause and also awaken.

In her beautiful southern drawl, if only you could hear me say this in person to give you the full effect…..she said, ‘now Cathy, what do you want?’

It was not a question I was expecting. My thoughts were towards my marriage, my union, my utopia that was crashing.

And she brought me back to me.

What do I want?

Huh?

What did you ask?

Hello?

Not sure I know the answer to this question.

In fact, I am completely stumped by the question. I have absolutely no idea what Cathy wants. In fact, who the hell is Cathy?

I felt like a deer facing head-lights.

I had nothing to say and I couldn’t even think straight.

It may seem like a selfish question to ask, ‘what do you want?’. However, I have come to believe that our most innate longings, our deepest human desires are connected with our purpose, our deepest meaning. I do not believe it is ‘selfish’ to live into our calling, our purpose, our reason to live. In fact, I believe it is where we tap into some incredible joy …for ourselves and for community.

So that day, 13 years ago, after the appointment I left…..and began the process of wandering and wondering. What do I want? I felt like I was thrown out of an airplane and landed in a foreign land and there was no path. I just felt lost.

For two weeks I experienced a ‘not-knowing’. A confusion – but an honest search accompanied this confusion. Can I know? Is it possible to know? Where did Cathy go? Who is this person?

And then it happened. The moment. I was walking along a street. I mean these moments don’t happen during lightening storms or exotic times in the desert. They are part of the very ordinary moments of my life. But then these ordinary moments become the extraordinary, the supernatural, transformational, life-changing moments.

I was standing on the corner of North Decatur Road and Clairmont and pushing the button for the cross-walk. And this ‘thing’ rose up from a place inside of me that was unfamiliar to me then.

Sometimes I like to think of it as the kiss of the prince – it is what awakened me from my soul slumber.

‘I want to sing’.

This is what came bubbling up like a small soap bubble that is utterly fragile from this unknown place. I want to sing?

For those of you that know me now, you might think this is obvious, of course, Cathy sings. But oh no, you did not know me then.

I was a wife. I was a mother. I was a piano teacher. I did not sing. That was the fluff of the hidden dreams of a 7 year old…the secret passions of a 16 year old…..the given-up longings of a young woman who already felt past her prime of her twenties.

Singing? Really?

As my mother would say, it sure wasn’t very ‘practical’.

Someone asks, what do you want? And you say you want to sing?

It just sounds silly.

Or it did to me.

But there is something about being at that bottom place. When the realities of life are difficult and in some ways you feel you have already lost what is most precious to you. And there comes this awareness, what do I have to lose? I’ve already lost.

I’m already on ground zero.

So, let me become awake to this longing…..let me pay attention. Let me notice this fragile bubble of life that welled up from what I believe was a fragile soul. A soul that had gone to sleep because there was no room for her to live. A soul that had sacrificed itself for others to thrive but had lost knowing of it’s own value and worth. A soul that was hidden in darkness. voiceless, formless and without color.

But that day, the soul awakened and sent a message up to my consciousness. I will always be thankful that I had the courage at that point to listen to this fragile message.

And that moment began the journey of my voice. It became not only the voice to sing, but to express the cry, the beauty, the song of the soul. It became the journey to sing to souls all around me and invite them to wake up also. That moment began the journey beyond my personal crisis, and to rediscover why I am here on this planet.

And one of the reasons I am here is to sing.

And growing me in me now – 13 years later, is the longing to help others listen to the fragile voice within themselves.

Friend, what do you want?

Love Shines CD for Christmas

2011-12-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

Love shines cd

you can find the Love Shines CD here

lower prices for Christmas for multiple sales

Here are some comments from people who have

experienced the music on this album:

“Cathy Hardy’s ‘Love Shines’ CD filled with the presence of love entered my world at just the right time. Track 4 ‘Breathing Together’ almost took my breath away . . . well more accurately it brought tears of deep connection; the first time a song has done that in a long time! The whole CD is exceptionally beautiful” Brian Doerksen

‘Cathy is deeply in tune with her humanity and present reality and her music comes from deep within. Her voice is powerful and her songs are varied from soulful to fun. Her message is real, human and for everyone. Her lyrics call me to dance, to cry, to embrace and let go. Cathy is a force to be reckoned with – I love her CD – it calls me to live freely and fully.’ Evy Klassen

Hi Cathy.... The more I listen to your music the more it moves me. It is so relevant and so now. I just can not say enough about it. I can feel the Spirit rooted into every word, every phrase, every note. I feel so blessed to have seen you live and can\'t wait to do so again and this time take more friends!!! Thank you thank you thank you...your gift is assisting me to continue this walk towards Love and Light....

"Fantastic! A great place for concert, very intimate (Chilliwack Love shines concert Oct 2011). Really enjoyed myself and your music Cathy. In fact, I uploaded "Love Shines" from iTunes during the performance. I just love this CD. Listen to it all the time.

Best of luck at the Gospel Music Awards!"

You move mountains with your gift of music!

By the way, your music has blessed me immensely, especially your last CD. It came at a time in my life where it fell on me like a light mist, washing away doubt and disillusionment.

Thank you for your hard work and gift.

Thank you for your music. My friend listened to "The Winter is Over" at just the right time and it gave her hope. It was at the end of something she was struggling with. And she knew after listening to that song, that her struggle was finished.

I'm soaking your new CD into the pores of my being. Cathy, it is amazing!
You are so vibrant and so alive throughout the songs........words, music.
Life, freedom and hope emanate from it. It feeds my soul and.........
I love it

I've been listening to your new CD and am enjoying it. I find your voice to be so mature and expressive, and the musicianship and technical aspects of the CD excellent.

First i just wanted to say I attended your concert tonight and it was truly one of the very best concerts I have EVER been to. Your music speaks to my heart and is so healing

beauty

2011-11-29T09:24:00.000-08:00

tell them that life is beautiful

there is so much around us that is a mystery. This week as I took time in quiet with my daughter....we just sat and 'breathed together' and enjoyed being together. Then she said - 'air is strange. You can't see it but you need it to live. This whole room is filled with air, but we can't see it or touch it.' a moment of beauty.

i had a dream last January. I dreamt of many that I have known and not known - but people that had died and were no longer here on this earth. And they filled my dream. And in the dream they spoke to me a message. They said, Cathy, tell them that life is beautiful.

I have held this message all year in my heart. I have held this message as I have walked through some of the most painful moments of my life. and as this year comes to a close, I finally feel ready to share this with others - this dream.....the message - that life is truly beautiful.

In the midst of all my dark moments, I have seen shafts of unbelievable shining light. I have tasted wonder, I have drunk of deep friendship, I have touched mystery, I have heard laughter.
and this morning, once again, I am reminded that life is a gift.

We are breathing
We are here
right now.
We are given life
at this moment
Do we have eyes to see today
the gifts before us?
In spite of tragedy
and suffering...
can we notice the gifts of beauty?

There is so much we will never fully understand, but if we can rest in the tension of not-knowing and embrace the wonder of beauty that is all around us, we will taste joy.

In the weeks ahead as we are all surrounded by consumerism, demands, and the fast-paced surge of 'more things', my hope is that we will take moments to pause.

To pause - so that
we can see
we can hear
we can touch
we can taste
and we can know

that life is beautiful.

poem for Advent

2011-11-27T14:55:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem during Advent 2007
I found it again this week and decided to share it at a retreat I was leading.
I was surprised when I found out that someone remembered it from a blog I had shared a couple of years ago and was surprised again as it helped someone to express in poetry their own state of heart.

So, I decided it was worth sharing again in 2011 on this first day of Advent:

it has been hard to say
'i did what i could' ....when that means
that i have to admit
that i can't hold everything
together
all the time

to allow
things
to fall and crash and break
to allow
things
to get lost and not found
to allow misperceptions to be - without freaking
to allow
my carefully laid plans to
fall apart
to allow
the feeling of emptiness
to come close to me
when i feel that things are slipping through my fingers

to allow my heart to say
yes
to You
in the midst of these moments
and not lose heart
to be willing to be turned upside down
and shaken
loose
of my firm grip
on
things
so i can rest
in my poverty
and humanity
and celebrate the mystery
the paradox
the miracle
of Emmanuel -
God with us

Cathy AJ Hardy 2007

a story from the song journey

2011-11-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

Thirteen years ago I was part of a community choir in Atlanta, Georgia. It was the beginning of my journey back to reclaiming my voice. After a profound experience on the corner of North Decatur Road and Clairmont, (another story I will tell soon) where that longing to sing bubbled up from my hidden soul, I wondered how I could begin the process of singing. As I pondered this dilemna, I remember sitting at a playground watching my daughter Brianna play with a group of 4 year olds and I became involved in a conversation with another woman there watching her grand-daughter. This woman told me about a community choir that she was involved in. I wondered if this was the place to start and I asked her for the information of who/when/where.

I found out that to be part of this choir you had to audition. It seems that this is always part of the process in saying ‘yes’. You become aware that you have a longing, a desire, a dream. And you start to believe that maybe you can go in the direction of that dream, and then you are given your first task. Oh – I thought this might come more easily. You mean, I might have to work toward this dream? You mean, I might have to take risks?

The dream can end right there. There is a choice I had to make in that moment, do I make myself vulnerable and audition and sound like crap? Or do I just tuck that stupid idea of a dream back into the abyss and push it down so like a bobbing apple it will keep popping up the rest of my life only to remind me of what I didn’t try?

So, I auditioned.

To me, I sounded horrible. My voice was frail and weak. It sounded like thin paper. Lots of cracks. Lots of whispery sounds where there was no ‘tone’. But I did it anyways.

And by some bizarre chance, I got in.

Tuesday nights became my night to go to choir. Many Tuesday nights I was tired and didn’t want to go. But, it was the ‘next step’….the given task in front of me at that present moment. So I went. I learned to sing Faure’s Requiem, Mozart, Bach, Mendelsohn and many other classical choral works. I learned the beauty of music and that I could be a part of it. I also learned to run to the bathroom as fast as I could. Somehow the music evoked a lot of pain in me. It was so beautiful, the music that is. The music touched my pain and I would become short of breath and would struggle to stand straight. So, in those moments I would run. Run to a bathroom stall and sob. Then I’d wash my face and go back. No one said anything. There was just a quiet understanding and feeling of love in the room. I will always be grateful to those people for the gift of quiet presence they gave me in those raw moments.

So, needless to say, I didn’t feel very ‘together’ during those times. I was incredibly vulnerable and a bit of a mess. I felt insecure with my voice, insecure with new friendships, insecure with learning musical scores that were beyond me, and insecure with my pain.

And then this happened.

We were a ‘white’ choir. Mostly. There was one black guy. A gay, black guy! You’ve got to understand. In Atlanta the percentage of the population is more than 50% the black community. However many parts of the city are very segregated and I found myself in a largely Caucasian crowd. But in our choir there was this one black, gay guy. A very good looking, funny, energetic and engaging human being.

Normally the men and women sat in separate sections – bass/tenor/alto and soprano. But one night, our conductor mixed us all up and I ended up sitting by this beautiful man. I do not remember his name, but I remember his presence.

We had never spoken to each other before that and we didn’t really speak to each other again after that night, so it still remains somewhat of a mystery why he then did what he did.

As we were all taking our seats and when he found out he was sitting next to me, he stood up and faced the whole group, about 60 people. And he loudly proclaimed, ‘I am sitting by the most beautiful woman here.’ Needless to say, I was very stunned, embarrassed and shocked. What? Hello? Excuse me? The woman who is a complete mess?

And then half-way through the rehearsal, he not only did it again, he did it two more times. Three times in all he stood up and proclaimed that he was so happy to sit by the most beautiful woman that night.

As I drove home that evening and the van came to a stop at a red light, I began to shake. My body shook and shook and shook. And I had one of the most transformational moments of my life to that point. I heard a whisper…the beginning of many whispers that would transform my whole life. The whisper said … that was me.... That’s how I feel about you. I wanted you to know. And I wanted to tell you 3 times.

You are precious

You are valuable

You are so valuable that I would proclaim you to strangers

I would stand up for you

I would defend you

I treasure you.

In that moment, and I know I could never explain this or defend this in any way, but I felt a physical transformation in my body – like the very chemicals that made me me – somehow shifted. That as I received and embraced the basic truth of my intrinsic value as a human being, I was changed. In that moment of for the first time believing in my value, I was changed.

That moment became the centre of my soul. The truth that all other truths were built upon. It has been the epicenter of the past 13 years. It has been the core value from which I see now every other human being. The wonder of a life.

The blessed irony of that moment was also from whom the message came. Someone that perhaps represented those our culture has put as a minority, the ones on the outside of the circle. And that was the one who spoke my greatest truth. Somehow that has always made me laugh……and reminds me of the beautiful ways of Love. Ways that I began to learn to recognize over the following years, and I felt like I began an adventure. And adventure of listening. An adventure of listening for the impossible, the wondrous, the magical, the mystery, the whisper of the One who makes my heart sing.

The gift of song-writing, a reflection

2011-11-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I shared some of these thoughts about song-writing in a concert and I was asked by someone to write them down....that these thoughts needed to be shared with other artists.

So, here they are.....

The gift of song-writing, a reflection

Songwriting is often a solitary experience.

It is something you do when no one else is around, in the quiet places of your heart.

And one day the song is so powerful in you that you dare to share it with one other person.

And you expose your soul.

To sing your song for one other person is to expose your heart and you don’t know what to expect.

And so you share it, and then you want to run really fast in the opposite direction.

Will the other person run away too?

Because it is so terrible?

Will they be indifferent?

Will they laugh?

Will they cry?

What will their response be? – that is what you are first concerned with – what is their response?

But as you grow as an artist and deepen, something happens inside you

and you know that to NOT WRITE,

something in you will die.

You get to a point, where to write and to compose – is to live.

It is part of choosing life, it is part of why you are here on this earth and you are compelled to write and if you don’t , a part of you will die.

And so, you choose life and it doesn’t really matter any more how people respond…

because you have lived.

And one day, you find yourself sharing these songs and you become surprised

Because people are actually resonating with your songs. They are in the room and singing with you. And one day they tell you that your song has become their song

And you realize that you did not just write your song, you wrote a human song

And we share our human songs

These are our soul songs

Our human songs

And you’ve been a part of expressing our human story, which resonates with others

This is a gift to you, because it is a way you are to be alive

And it is a gift to them because you help them express their human story in soul language

This is the gift of song-writing.

Gratitude

2011-11-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

Gratitude
what do I see?
what do I hold in my hands?
the emptiness,
the loss?
or the beauty,
the blessing?
every day is a choice
what do I see?
what do I hold in my hands?

this past weekend
the blessing
and the beauty
spilled over the edges
generosity
kindness
compassion
friendship
goodness
filled the days

what I don't deserve
came to me
gifts of time
gifts of service
gifts of energy
gifts of practical help
came
in so many beautiful faces
through so many beautiful hands
in the sounds of laughter

what i could not afford
came to me
what i did not invite
came to me

there are moments that are painfully empty
there are moments that are deeply lonely
there are moments when fear grips me

But what do I see?
What do I hold?

I see blessing
I hold gratitude

may the gifts I have been given
spill over into
blessings
for others

written with deep gratitude especially for Howie Thiessen, Kevin Boese, Arv Dueck, Ray Dueck, Steve Klassen, Jadon Peters, Dillon Peters, Brian Thiessen and many others

Courage

2011-11-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

photography www.rastudio.ca

Courage......

As I read through an old journal

from 12 years ago

I found this prayer

'I ask for courage...

I ask for courage...'

I was in a time of deep distress

and facing my day to day life was not what I wanted to face

It takes courage to face the realities that lie before us

to really see things as they are

and not lose hope

Courage

has meant for me

to stay awake

to life

to keep my eyes open

and to stay present

and engaged.

Courage

has meant for me

to listen deeply

to my soul

and to not be afraid

to live from

the truth of who I am

not to please others

but to respond

to the life

I have been

given.

Courage

has meant for me

to listen to the dreams

of my heart

and to take risks

in pursuing

the light

of these dreams.

Courage

has meant for me

to trust

in friendships

to reveal the

fragility of my heart

to another

to risk being misunderstood

or unloved.

Courage

has felt so

beyond me

so many times.

It has felt like a gift

that comes when I am broken

and weak.

I feel my humanity

I feel my vulnerability

and yet I want to say

yes

to Life

So I pray

Give me courage

and in the words of this song.....

"Love strengthens me

and gives me

courage

for today"

and my heart soars

2011-10-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

photo by rastudio.com

today I walked in the woods
and I soaked in the
beauty of
gold
and red
I drank in the cool
fall air
deep into my lungs
I heard the rustle of leaves under my boots
I saw the wings of eagles
and in the words of
Chief Dan George,
my heart soared.
As I sit at my table
and look at the sticks of an orchid plant
that looked dead for a time
and now is budding again with new life
I gaze at the bright green shoots
and the pregnant 3 blossoms that will soon open
and my heart soars.
beauty
all around
if we will see
if we will hear
if we will be present and awake

The beauty of the trees,

the softness of the air,

the fragrance of the grass,

speaks to me.

The summit of the mountain,

the thunder of the sky,

the rhythm of the sea,

speaks to me.

The faintness of the stars,

the freshness of the morning,

the dew drop on the flower,

speaks to me.

The strength of fire,

the taste of salmon,

the trail of the sun,

and the life that never goes away,

they speak to me.

And my heart soars.

Chief Dan George

Every Time......

2011-10-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

photography by revival arts

rastudio.ca

I found this old song in the stacks of my choral music

in my studio sometime last year.

I immediately felt my toes start tapping and the rhythm captivated me.

However, the words were old were filled with fairly negative descriptions of the

devil coming to catch us all.

so........I thought, why not rework this baby.

and I did with a lot of fun.

Sharing this song in many different concert situations has been a gift.....

and what it brings is - joy.

simple joy.

tapping foot joy.

humming along joy.

I think we often forget simple pleasures these days.

We have forgotten the joy of singing with each other

and experiencing music in community.

this is also a song about freedom.

And every time I sing this, it reminds me....

sister, you are free.

No matter what my circumstances - there is an inner freedom

to still choose

Choose YES

Choose LIFE

Choose LOVE

Choose LIGHT

Freedom

Rise Up

2011-10-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

photo by revival arts rastudio.com

You know that book - Conversations with God?

Well, sometimes I have my own conversations.....

the other day, this is what I heard beyond my tears -

Cathy,

remember

I don’t do shame

Any shame you feel is not coming from me, my darling

I have given you life – do I want to diminish that?

You can walk into these new places with humility and grace

But not guilt

Or shame

That is not beautiful

Remember I am beauty

And beauty is full of grace, wisdom, gentleness and kindness.

You can be kind and loving and gracious and beautiful even as you take this next step and rise up.

It is not about ‘pushing’up or striving in any way to rise.

It is about naturally doing what your body was meant to do

It is natural

It is pure

It is holy

And even as you rise – it does not push others down

It is not a rejection of others that you rise

It is not a negative towards others at all

It is simply shining

With the light I have put within you

Others can shine too

And you can shine on others

You can be kind to others and not lose anything

You can be generous and not lose anything

Because the fullness of light is within you

Just as the fullness of light is also within others

if they open up

So, don’t be afraid of being loving, kind, gentle and beautiful

ALIVE

And all my fullness will flow through you

Remember, we are dancing together

We are dreaming together

We are walking in light together

We are loving together

We are ALIVE

We are present right here, right now

When you are afraid of being loving, you are allowing yourself to go back to the past and let old feelings come to the surface. What is important for you to learn is to stay present to me and then allow me to guide you in every ‘present’ moment. Then we can create new ways of being and the most healing, the most nurturing, the most loving possibilities for your relationships. And you open yourself up to the greatest Love opportunities.

Let us BREATHE together.

Breathe with me girl

Rise UP.

thanksgiving 2011 - how can i keep from singing?

2011-10-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving 2011
this year has held incredible highs and far reaching lows.
It has been a year of living each day .....being fully awake
for what that day held
both intense joy
and significant pain
but through it all
I have known again the gift of song
Singing connects me with my soul
through all of life's experiences
songs express - and help me to express
my soul, our soul
stories
so I want to give thanks
thanks for the songs
that have come like gifts
floating from heaven
rising from the earth
these songs that I now am able to share with many others
and these songs heal me
heal us
restore us
and remind us of a deeper truth
of the 'song from beyond'

I also want to give thanks for the
beautiful community that surrounds me
in love
mirroring back to me
truth
love
friendship
and
hope
thank you
thank you
thank you

the words of this classic song express my heart this thanksgiving day:

My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

Oh though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
Oh though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
How can I keep from singing?

Lord, how can I keep from singing?
Oh, how can I keep from singing?

I will be performing two Love Shines concerts
with Boris Sichon, Kevin Boese & Jonathan VanDyke

Saturday Oct 15, St. John's Anglican Church Chilliwack
7:30pm $15 at door
Saturday Oct 22 House of James Abbotsford(with Rebecca Sichon)
7:30pm $15 at door

would love to see you there

Thursday Oct 27/Friday Oct 28 - at Gospel Music Awards of Canada in Calgary

clay & the tucking of the thumb

2011-10-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

These past two weeks have been ones of going slow
of feeling the feet stuck at times
in fields of clay
mires of muck
the clay of sadness
when one's feet are in this clay
it is impossible to move quickly
to move quickly is to fall down face first
one must succumb to the
journey through the clay
and trust that the clay fields do
naturally end
and come to dry ground
where one can walk again
at a pace familiar
but in those moments of deep clay,
it is a plod
even though
you can feel
the sunshine
you are aware of the rainbow
still....your feet are in the muck
and so you feel the warmth
you know the promise
but there is no escape
you must walk through the clay
until it passes
no side journeys
no escape
but a steady, step-by-step
with trust

as I was teaching a student this week how to play a scale
I explained the concept of tucking the thumb
play thumb, index, middle finger - then tuck the thumb
and you can play the full 8 tone scale
to make the scale sound smooth
the thumb anticipates the tuck and begins to move into position
even before it is time to play that 2nd note

this movement of anticipation to me became a symbol that I could live into
Life is predictable with the thumb, index, and middle finger - but
now.....the thumb tuck
transition
I can adjust - and move into position in my heart
and be ready for the rest of the scale
the rest of my life
or I can freeze
in what I knew before
this transition
However, if I yield to the thumb tuck - the beautiful scale will emerge
it is uncomfortable
it is new
it is strange at first

but can I trust? Can I yield?
As I plod through the clay
I open my heart to
the full scale
of my life.

through

2011-09-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

photo by revival art studio

gotta go through it

there is a childhood song that has this refrain:
Can't go over it
Can't go under it
Can't go around it
Gotta go through it

going
through.........
means allowing the moments of heartache to rise to the surface
and not run
to allow sadness to be
sadness
to cry
to weep with being human
and knowing pain
to be weak and
fragile
while remaining with hands open
no clenched fists
open to what is beyond the tears
hope
beyond explaining
hope that comes from under
the tears
emerging from a deep, deep source
of Life
this hope emerged
again
yesterday in the form
of
Gerber daisies
Going through is not easy
it requires
courage
and breathing in and out over and over again
going through-
we realize we are
not
walking
alone
We are surrounded
I am surrounded
with the
Presence of Love
We are called to
Life
and to say YES
And so with arms now fully open
I say YES
YES to a love that is deeper than any sadness
YES to a hope the is beyond any despair
YES to a promise
of fullness - of shalom - which not only means 'peace' but also means.....completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord.

Numbers 6:24-26

New International Version (NIV)

²⁴ “‘“The LORD bless you
   and keep you;
²⁵ the LORD make his face shine on you
   and be gracious to you;
²⁶ the LORD turn his face toward you
   and give you SHALOM.”’

the gift that someone gave to me.....

2011-09-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

13 years ago was a time when I hit rock bottom.
I was really quite desperate for help and someone encouraged me to find a spiritual director.
I didn't even know what that meant at the time, but I started asking around and one day someone actually knew what that term was and handed me a business card of a woman named Joy.
Joy agreed to meet with me and my life was forever changed.
Joy had an incredible gift of listening. There was nothing too shocking or overwhelming for her to absorb. She just was incredibly attentive and showed deep respect for my humanity and the story that I found myself in.
One of the most profound gifts Joy gave me was that she never once felt sorry for me.
Even though I was a mess and crying at almost every session, she never pitied me or coddled me.
Because she never allowed herself to feel sorry for me, there came an invitation for me to also not feel sorry for myself and to see the choices that were in front of me to make.
she allowed me to have dignity and self-respect and personal value.
She never rushed with answers or problem solving, but would linger in silence to listen for the story underneath the story.
She'd often respond with a question rather than an answer after a period of utter stillness.
I learned so much wisdom from Joy. She became a mentor to me in my soul journey.
13 years later I still correspond with Joy and she is as dear to me as ever.
One of the practical gifts she gave me was to pay my way for a 3 day Silent Retreat. I would never have chosen to do this on my own, but as it was fully paid for and I needed to get away, I went.
That silent retreat changed my life. It became an anchor, an oasis, the beginning of an inner root system that has shaped this past decade of my life.
Now I lead retreats like this because of what Joy did for me. There is one coming up in November for women. If you are interested in coming or would like to sponsor someone else to go - a life could be changed, as mine was.
In our fast paced lives it is a great challenge to value stillness and silence. But this is where our souls sing. This is where we find ourselves again and out of the fullness of this silence, we can jump back into our lives with a deeper energy and sense of purpose than we ever had before.
Here is the link to the Mark Centre if you want more info:

November Retreat - Mark Centre

another dream of mine.....

2011-09-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

well......I've had a long time dream....to have a grand piano.... I've been looking for a long time, but never really believing that I could have one to call my own. In the middle of life turning upside down for me and finding myself on my own for the first time since I was 19, there came a strong desire to finally let that dream be realized. It is a bigger story than I can fully write here, but the fact is that I found an old grand that fit me perfectly. It is scratched and beautiful! It has curvy legs and ivory keys. It is responsive to how I play and is powerful in its sound. It fits perfectly into the place I started imagining it to be - and it is truly there. I've never had a piano just for my pleasure. I've taught for over 20 years and somehow it is hard to be really creative on the piano that you work on all day long. To have a piano that is for creativity, for community, for concerts, for composition, for singing.....this makes my heart so big with happiness. Just walking by it and touching it - makes me glad. it is so beautiful and speaks to me of memories yet to be created. I have dreams for this piano - of people gathered around and singing with me, of writing songs at 3am and much more. Two people have crawled underneath it just to lay under the strings and feel the amazing vibration of sound coming through the air. having the piano brought into the house was quite an event. So, here are the pictures of my good friend Darren Lambert and his two young men helpers who helped make another dream come true.

exploring new territory

2011-09-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

the didge
The first time I saw someone play the didgeridoo I was mesmerized by the ability to keep the sound going through the process of circular breathing. It seemed like a magical experience to breathe in and breathe out at the same time.
It was one of those skills that seemed 'impossible' for me to ever learn but amazing to admire in someone else.
I must admit when my friend Boris told me to begin to learn circular breathing and that I could actually acquire this skill - I just laughed. I had the feeling of 'why try?'. It is impossible and I could never do it - so why even begin?
One day I realized the limitation I had set on my own possibilities. Why did I think that I can't learn this? Why did I deem it impossible? If other human beings could learn this skill - would it not be possible that I could as well?
Once I opened my mind to the possibility of trying and exploring, I became a learner. I read about circular breathing, watched videos about circular breathing and started exploring how to do it myself.
There was a lot of spitting involved. It wasn't pretty!
Boris lent me a 'practice didge'...a pipe from Rona! My dog freaked out when she first heard the noise. I took it in the car and went and practiced where no animal or human could see or hear me.
It was terrible and sounded like a sick pig!
But.....once I got the idea in my head that I could learn, I became determined to keep trying.
I gave myself til Christmas and most days tried to work on it.
The sound became a read didge sound.
But the circular breathing was challenging.
And then 2 days ago - it happened. it worked.
It all came together and I did it - the sound, the breathing - it sounded good and was continuous.
I played the didge!
I may never play this thing in public - I may take a few months to be able to be consistent in the circular breathing department - but the wonder of learning something new and pushing myself beyond what I thought was possible is life-giving.
It makes me wonder - what else is possible for me to learn?
Where do I set limits on myself that are self-imposed and not true reflections of reality?
How can I think 'possibility' instead of 'not me'?
What am I capable of learning and becoming and being as I journey into the 40's of my life?
I think I know what I would like for Christmas - a real didge from Australia -
a step up from my beautiful black Rona pipe!

inspired

2011-09-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

about 2 or 3 years ago I ran into a tall dark- haired man in the dog park of Mission named David. He was walking his dog Charlie, and I was walking my dog, Indie.
The night before there had been a big storm and so there were branches all over the paths and loose in the trees above us. I found out that David used to be an arborist and that he knew a lot about trees. He made sure that I remembered to look up as we walked under big oaks and maples, to see if any loose branches were in a position to suddenly drop down on my head. I appreciated his knowledge and his concern towards my safety!
over time I have met David on many occasions while we are walking our dogs and we have become good friends. I found out that David is very sick with diabetes and his body is slowly shutting down. He may live for a long while yet, or he may die in his sleep at any time. He is having to face death every day.
From meeting David, as I did today again, you would not know this. You would see a beautiful man who is walking with a slight limp but with a smile on his face. David has become so aware of Love waiting for him that whether he is here or he is gone - he is completely happy. David radiates a joy in being alive because he is knowing more deeply than many people I know how that day is a gift. He is full of awe at the beauty of life around him. He loves studying science and learning more facts about what he can see and touch in this life, and what remains yet a mystery to him.
No matter what is happening for me, when I am with David, he inspires me. He inspires me to be present, to live fully, to always be grateful, to aware of Love waiting for me - there is truly nothing to be afraid of.
David is not afraid.
This is what is always so powerful about our conversations.
David is not afraid.
David is secure in the knowing of Love holding him, carrying him, surrounding him and waiting for him.
In David - I see Love Shining
and it deeply inspires my heart
to keep trusting
to keep hoping
to not be afraid.

Sam

2011-09-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

I have a 'Sam' in my life
and I want to tell you about this person....who is an inspiration to me
because I am grateful
and it is important to say thanks
and to celebrate what is beautiful and good in life
If you know the story of 'the Lord of the Rings', you will know about 'Sam'
Even though Frodo is the main character of the story, I feel that 'Sam' is the true hero of the story.
Sam embodies true friendship. Sam is faithful, present through darkness and light.
Sam celebrates victories and suffers alongside in the moments of great darkness.
Sam believes in Frodo and does not allow Frodo to give up in the journey.
Sam believes in the value of Frodo's journey and speaks life to Frodo as in the following dialogue:

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

My 'Sam' has taught me a lot about being a true friend. I hope that one day I can be all that she has been to me.

and we will continue singing

2011-08-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday night my daughter Brianna woke me up at 3am. She had just received a call from her very close friend Savannah letting her know that Savannah's boyfriend and Brianna's good friend Marco had died. Marco was the young man who died in the boating accident, which has received a lot of news coverage this week. He graduated this past June with Brianna and received a full scholarship to the University of the Fraser Valley. He was an amazing musician and a fun-loving personality. I had the joy of having Marco play with me this summer at the Mission Folk Festival. I had asked him what he was going to wear for our gig and he asked me what he should wear. I said - just be yourself. So, he got excited and decided to wear his hair in a Mohawk. Marco was a great person to be around, relaxed, funny and easy to talk to - no matter what age you were.

As many of you know, the song Love Shines played a powerful role when my nephew Christian died just over one year ago. I was about to record Love Shines as a single when Chris died. I didn't know how I could record this song - how could I sing about love shining? So, I cancelled the recording. But then I thought about Chris and his life and how he would have been so mad at me for cancelling doing something that I loved. And I looked into the face of my brother and his wife - and I realized I did see love shining - in them. And so I recorded that song and gave it all I had. And then I sang it for the 1500 people that came to Chris's funeral.

Marco did not know any of this to my knowledge. But Love Shines was one of the songs I had sent him to practice for our set at the Mission Folk Festival. On the night that he died, his mom went to his laptop and opened it up. What was on the screen was the lyrics/chord chart for Love Shines. It was the last thing that Marco looked at on his computer and what his mom found in that horrible moment.
I am overwhelmed how this song came to this family in the middle of such utter agony. Marco's memorial will be a concert at Heritage Park next Sunday at 2pm. There are many musicians coming to honour Marco and his memory. Marco's mom has asked me to sing Love Shines.
Love does shine in our deepest darkness.
Love shines in moments we cannot comprehend.
Love shines beyond our agony.
Love shines.
Marco - I will sing for you.
Chris - I will sing for you.

and we will continue singing

2011-08-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday night my daughter Brianna woke me up at 3am. She had just received a call from her very close friend Savannah letting her know that Savannah's boyfriend and Brianna's good friend Marco had died. Marco was the young man who died in the boating accident in the interior of BC, which has received a lot of news coverage this week. He graduated this past June with Brianna and Savannah and received a full scholarship to the University of the Fraser Valley. He was an amazing musician and a fun-loving personality. I had the joy of having Marco play with me this summer at the Mission Folk Festival. I had asked him what he was going to wear for our gig and he asked me what he should wear? I said - just be yourself. So, he got excited and decided to wear his hair in a Mohawk...what fun. Marco was a great person to be around, relaxed, funny and easy to talk to - no matter what age you were.

As many of you know, the song Love Shines played a powerful role when my nephew Christian died just over one year ago. I was about to record Love Shines as a sing when Chris died. I didn't know how I could record this song - how could I sing about love shining? So, I cancelled the recording. But then I thought about Chris and his life and how he would have been so mad at me for cancelling doing something that I loved. And I looked into the face of my brother and his wife - and I realized I did see love shining - in them. And so I recorded that song and gave it all I had. And then I sang it for the 1500 people that came to Chris's funeral.

Marco did not know any of this to my knowledge. But Love Shines was one of the songs I had sent him to practice for our set at the Mission Folk Festival. On the night that he died, his mom went to his laptop and opened it up. What was on the screen was the lyrics/chord chart for Love Shines. It was the last thing that Marco looked at on his computer and what his mom found in that horrible moment.

I am overwhelmed how this song came to this family in the middle of such utter agony. Marco's memorial will be a concert at Heritage Park next Sunday at 2pm. There are many musicians coming to honour Marco and his memory. Marco's mom has asked me to sing Love Shines.
Love does shine in our deepest darkness.
Love shines in moments we cannot comprehend.
Love shines beyond our agony.
Love shines.
Marco - I will sing for you.
Chris - I will sing for you.

sing through sorrow, sing through tears, sing throughout all your years

2011-08-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

If you were able to only give one sentence to describe yourself, could you do it?
If you were able to only give one sentence to describe a relationship you have and all of it's many nuances, history, joys and sorrows, could you do it?
I could not.
I cannot.

What I'm trying to say and I don't know where to begin, is that the marriage I have known since I was 19 has come to an end and has been ending for a long time....I just had hoped there was a way through.....but I have had to come to rest that there is not a way through for us and it is time to let go.
This year has been a paradoxical year for me - with utter joy and deep sorrow dancing together day by day. It has been a year of being more alive than I've ever known, and at the same time.....so deeply sad.
But even in my deepest sadness, I've been aware of LIFE still calling me to live, to rise up, to be present.
It is a time of transition that I never thought would be part of my life - but here it is.
There was a day that I wondered if I would be able to sing in front of others ever again.
And then someone reminded me of my own song lyrics-
and they said to me..... Cathy......
'sing through sorrow, sing through tears, sing throughout all your years.'
As I have kept singing through all of this, I have found the power of song once again.
The songs keep me in touch with my soul and they remind me that underneath all sorrow and loss is a deep river of joy that is stronger than any life story.
And so I will carry on.
I will sing
for I still believe

that Love is shining.
on the road of my life.......

mission folk fest reflections

2011-07-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

photo taken by Pat Christie

3 days of music under night skies at beautiful Heritage Park in Mission

3 days of meeting musicians from around the world

3 days of hearing singer-songwriters sharing their craft and expressing their passion

3 days of community, friendship, dancing, listening, celebrating

3 days of sunshine, fresh-air and spectacular views

and a wonderful opportunity to sing on a stage

overlooking the Fraser River

beside the woods where many of my songs were born

with beautiful musician friends

Boris, Kat, David, Marco & Rebecca

& the Mission Drumming Circle

I am grateful

promo vid

2011-07-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

Here a video from the Love Shines Release concert.....enjoy!

featuring Boris Sichon, Kevin Boese, Philip Janz, Peter Davyduck, Brian Thiessen, Jonathan VanDyke & Rebecca Sichon

folk festival in mission

2011-07-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

when i moved to mission

10 years ago,

one of the first events I experienced was the

Folk Festival of Mission

It really is a 'world music festival'

as there are musicians from all corners of the earth

with their beautiful ethnic sounds

it was a magical experience with people of all ages

dancing under open skies

celebrating life

every year since I've enjoyed this event

first as an attendee

then as a volunteer

this year for the first time as a performer

I'll be playing at 1:30 on Saturday afternoon if you are able to come!

I'll be singing songs from the Love Shines album

and some other tunes as well

Boris Sichon will be performing with me as well as Rebecca Sichon.

come and check out a beautiful community event!

rest

2011-07-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

rest

I love working hard

I love having goals and plans

I love seeing results

I love living to the full

but I've realized that to live fully I need to rest fully too

I need time to listen deeply to my heart so I know the direction my energy needs to flow

resting helps me know my own self

I long to please others and make others happy - and so it is hard to hear my own voice

what is right for my life? what is my own desire?

through resting and being still - I again find that inner voice

It has been a hard thing to learn that in following this inner voice, I bring my best gift to the community

I was taught about self-sacrifice - and that is my best gift ...

I think that many of us who grew up in the church have been confused about the words of Jesus...

that if we 'lose' our lives we will find them

and the 'last' shall be first

these words have been used in ways that have brought tremendous guilt about knowing our true selves.

I personally believe that it is only in knowing our true selves - that we can then offer

our true selves

authentically in service

and this is freedom

and I truly believe this is what Jesus was getting at.

So we start with celebrating being a created being

made in Love

do you ever wonder why you are here?

and just the simple fact that you are here?

you are here!

you are breathing

wow.

isn't that a wonder in itself?

to then discover what a wonder you are - is perhaps your holy work

to be all

that you have been created to be for the world we live in

is your holy task

and your joy

and what will bring you life

it is then that you can 'lose' your life as you offer your true essence

and then you will truly find it

I believe it is through rest and times of stillness that we find again

our souls

our deepest selves

and that is our gift to bring

to each other and to LIFE.

labyrinth

2011-07-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

this picture was taken by Christina from one of our retreats on Pender.......

I love the labyrinth.
I walked for the first time in Atlanta, Georgia. I thought it was rather strange and simple - and wondered what the big deal was when I heard people talk about it.
And then I walked.
The labyrinth is like a metaphor for life. It is a journey into the centre and then back out again. When you begin the walk, you assume you will go directly to the centre....and somehow you end up circling close to the centre - but you can't get in. You have to keep following the path as it loops to the outer edges before coming back into the very centre at the end.
and then you follow this same journey back out again.
It never fails to speak to me and teach me something new.
I learned how to draw a 7 circuit labyrinth in the sand on the beaches of Florida while I visited my friend Christina Kautz. I now can use chalk and create a labyrinth anywhere I find a smooth area of pavement.
We used this labyrinth for the retreats at Pender and it was a powerful experience for many.
The highlight for me was walking it at night by candlelight with a group of women together....all of us on our journeys - alone and yet together.
A new Christina in my life took this picture of me at the centre of the labyrinth....a place I love to create for others and a place I love to come to myself.

roots.....

2011-07-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

roots......
roots.........

pender island......summer silent retreat

today on our retreat I am inviting people to consider the state of their roots.
If you were a tree - what kind of a tree would you see yourself to be?
what is the state of your roots?
In our lives, we focus so much on our exterior selves - our accomplishments, our appearances, our outer success.....what is visible to the community.
Most of us rarely focus and spent quality time nurturing our interior lives....our roots.
silence is a way to bring us
in and down
down to the places
where
pain sits
and
dreams lie dormant
We are afraid of our pain
We are afraid of our dreams
In silence
there is an opportunity to face
our pain
and realize there is something deeper
underneath the pain
there is life
and love
and hope
and healing......
we can also begin to listen to our dreams
the dreams placed in us at the beginning of our creation
dreams that we are meant to live out
and not be ashamed of
but our pain needs to be healed
and our dreams need to be nurtured

even though you are not on retreat with us - you can join us in this way!
Take time for yourself today.......
If you can take a bit of time for silence and be aware of the state of your heart
Take time to listen to your dormant dreams
and dare to let your imagination fly

eagles

2011-07-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

eagles.....

eagles have become a gift in my life - an unexpected connection with nature.

It was last summer that I took the zip-line at Whistler called the 'eagle'. I had to step off a 20 story mountain edge into sheer nothingness.....talk about fear. It was up to my throat. I faced my fear and stepped anyways. That moment became a symbol for me every time I was afraid as I went into the Love Shines recording project. There were so many fears to overcome - but I kept remembering my 'eagle' moment and would keep jumping into new territory even though I was still afraid. Fear doesn't seem to leave - you just learn to not let it make the decisions for you - you jump and the fear flies with you .....you look at each other and laugh. Maybe fear is just a jester - seeing what kind of people we really are. will we settle or will we take courage and leap?
Well, on Friday, my old friend fear came back and visited me on Pender Island. I received a notice about something that sent my heart spinning with anxiety. Panic was close on the heels of fear - I guess they are good friends! At that moment, my Ethiopian friend called me to the deck where you see me standing here. There were two eagles flying in clockwise formation. Somehow watching these two eagles was comforting to me in a way that I could not explain. We watched together from this beautiful deck at Pender and allowed the beauty of nature to fill us.
About an hour later the rest of the women coming on retreat showed up. One was a beautiful woman from a First Nations background. I told her we had just seen eagles. Immediately without knowing what had happened, she told me ' do you know, when eagles fly in clockwise formation, they are letting you know that everything will be OK.'
It was one of those 'ahh' moments.......where nature, people, and God all seem to collide together to bring a message of hope.

wow - and thank you is what my heart says in return.

freedom of solitude

2011-07-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

Pender Island
July 2011

I am here - on beautiful Pender Island
I am involved in leading two retreats through the Mark Centre - the first retreat being 3 days of mixed silence & community and the second being 5 days of silence.
It is an interesting part of my life - bringing people into a journey of silence, slowing down and contemplation.
I would not be so passionate about it - except knowing that this kind of thing helped saved my life when I was at rock bottom.
It was only through entering the deep silence that I rediscovered my own voice, my soul and my intrinsic value as a human being. It was through the gift of silence that I discovered I was loved - even with doing anything - just 'being'.
Many of us yearn for deeper relationships, authentic friendships and meaningful community. Perhaps for this to happen in our lives, we need to take time apart and really know ourselves, so that as we offer ourselves to each other - we can offer the depths that we ourselves long for in relationships.
Today I found a quote by Julia Cameron - author of 'The Artist's Way'.....
'Until we experience the freedom of solitude,
we cannot connect authentically.'

Many of us are afraid of solitude ...we feel solitude equals loneliness. Perhaps freedom in solitude means that we have found interior freedom - we do not need the approval of others to bring us a good day - we are at rest with our souls. If we are not at rest with our souls - no one can fix that for us.....except us. There is no one left to blame in solitude. We are with ourselves and must face what that means.

It is always amazing for me to observe the courage that people have to come on these retreats and to face the solitude even if they are afraid of it. It is also amazing to see the beauty emerge as people move past fears and find themselves again. The rich sense of community among 'strangers' is profound as we all travel to deep places and then bring that gift to each other.

I am missing my loved ones at home.....but will continue drinking in the beauty of these days before me at Pender.

plan b....or c or d for that matter

2011-07-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

some days it feels like I'm on the edge of the ocean
and being swept up by a gigantic wave
the sense of losing control
of my equilibrium
and being uprooted
the sense of being disoriented
and unsure of what is going to happen next
takes over
it can be an illusion that I might be the only one experiencing such a thing
but as I am with so many people
and we talk about our lives
it seems many of us are here
at
plan b
life not exactly how we imagined it
a few unknowns
thrown in
a few unexpected measures of music
in the song of life
a change of time signature
and key change that no one warned me was coming
so what can I do?
what can we do?
in music or theatre - the real artists know that the unpredictable
is always around the corner
you never know what will happen on stage - because you are
in the moment
the moment of 'now'
is always ALIVE
and anything can happen
It is always nerve-racking- but if one is open to possibilities - it is very liberating and exciting
On the stage - there are no second chances - it just is what it is in that moment...
you can't go back and fix - it already happened...and you carry on
in the stage of life - perhaps that is sometimes the hardest thing - to let go of what happened
and to embrace what is
right now
and to choose
the response
for the next action
or the next word
to remain present
with eyes wide open - and not full of fear
to keep living and embracing
the only reality that is
letting go of a perfect plan a
and saying YES to life as
it is
plan b....or c or d for that matter
with laughter and with grace

123 123 12 12 12

2011-06-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight was drumming circle.......

my sister came for the first time and saw with her own eyes

heard with her own ears

and drummed with her own hands!

Why am I so passionate about this drumming circle?

How can a group of strangers come together and in a few months

become such good friends?

There is something about sitting in a circle together

and flowing in a rhythm

where we all have to listen

we all participate

we all contribute

listening and participating

together and alone

touching many of the senses-

we have to become childlike because it isn't always easy

we stumble and we get off the beat

we don't keep doing our western beats of:

1234

Instead, we combine rhythms of 2 and 3 and 4

and then multiply and divide

add and subtract

Boris, what are you talking about?????? in your Russian accent?

So, we laugh and we try

and we drum.

I brought these drums to a women's group 2 weeks ago and the women found our drum circle healing and beautiful. There were tears. One woman shared how in pre-school there is ALWAYS circle.

That is how learning happens - in circle time.

It made me wonder what we've lost in our culture and what we taste a bit of on our drumming nights. There is something about community, about all being a part

all being significant to the whole

One of the dreams I have for this coming year is to create places of 'circle' - places of community

We all need to know

that we are a part of the greater whole

connected

2011-06-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks to so many for the incredible birthday wishes today.....from late last night and all through today, I've been blessed by messages from many friends.
yesterday I went to a funeral of a young man from Mission. He was 20 years old and many, many people came to honour his life and support his family. Maybe he never knew how many people cared about him or how connected he really was. Many of us don't realize how many people care about us - and we struggle to let people know how much we care about them. It was a good reminder - how connected we all are and how it is important to let others know how valuable they are in our circles of friendship.
It's hard to reach out sometimes and show our gratefulness - it's hard to also reach out and express our needs....but it is important, because we all need to know how valuable and needed we are in our communities and circles of friendship in the good times and the hard times.
Today someone brought me flowers. Someone brought me a ring. Someone made me a meal. Amazing gifts of love and friendship that allowed me to see how I am a part of other's lives as much as they are part of mine. So much to be grateful for. Today was a beautiful day.

All is beauty

2011-06-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

During the past 3 days I've been invited into very intimate moments of people's lives - people that are in many ways strangers to me, but I guess I don't feel like a stranger to them. these people have been touched by music I have shared through concerts and other events and they have invited me into some of the most precious moments of their lives - it has been a privilege and an honour to be invited into these spaces.

the first space was an outdoor wedding that happened on Sunday. It was a 2nd marriage for each partner, both having lost spouses due to sickness. The mood was joyful and celebratory as they took their places with the sun shining down all them and all their guests. In a beautiful way, their former spouses were honoured and these two prepared to take new vows. Just before they did, I sang the song, Winter is Over as they had requested. Looking into their faces and knowing that they carried both the sorrow and the joy of their lives at the same time made it a very meaningful experience.

the second space I came into was this evening at Hospice. A new acquaintance came to a recent concert and told me about her friend who was dying. Would I come? So, tonight along with Boris Sichon, I went and sang for this beautiful woman who is passing from this life to the next. As I drove around today thinking of her, a new song came to me and I sang it to her tonight:

All is beauty

you stand on the edge

of the unknown

preparing your heart

for travelling home

what is in shadow

for you will be clear

your new tomorrow

so far, yet so near

may love surround you

as you depart

may love surround you

& carry your heart

to the great beauty

that we call home

you're going to beauty

and soon you will know

All is well

All is beauty

All is well

all is well

All is beauty

all is well

I myself am going through some huge life changes which I will write about at another time. To be able to sing for others in the midst of my own journey - and to be allowed to share in the joy and the suffering of others lives on such a deep level is a tremendous gift. I am deeply grateful tonight for this privilege.

retreat anyone?

2011-06-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Retreat anyone? Do you need time to nurture your heart and soul?
Retreats have been life-changing for me. Through getting away from my daily routines, my work, my family obligations and roles and taking time to be still - I have found my anchors for living. Being still for a period of time has helped me to listen and has created greater awareness of who I am and what my life purpose is. To find rest in just 'being' is a profound and life-changing experience and has rooted all 'activities' in greater freedom and joy.

There are 2 retreats coming up on Pender Island in July that I'd like to let you know about - registration cut off is coming up soon so it is time to put your name in if you are interested.....

The first one is:
Creator's Heart

Time and space to create and listen.

July 8^th 7pm - July 11^th 11am

Join with other artists (you can be any kind of artist.....writer, painter, poet, musician...I believe we are ALL artists in some way!!) on the majestic sea at the Pender Island Lodge for inspiration and time to work on your craft. You will experience a mix of silence, space to create, and time to share your spiritual journey and your art. I will be facilitating this retreat and sharing my from my own journey through story and music.

We invite you to enjoy this weekend at the MARK Centre in a peaceful and inspiring setting:

Slowing down to breathe and receive
Being inspired by the Creator to create
Tasting times of silence
Experiencing Group Spiritual Direction as a tool for opening up the inner journey of the heart

Additional Opportunities:

Beautiful ocean and forest walks
Hiking trails
Time to watch for sea life
Exploring the coastline by canoe or kayak

The second is:

Summer Silence for Women

A week to feast on silence and rest.
July 11^th 4pm – July 15^th 11am
Come and linger over some quiet days by the sea. Watch the whales and seals play, listen to the crashing waves, savour the tastes of home cooked meals, and feel your heart come alive as you give yourself time and space to be. During your five days by the sea, you will be guided into silence interspersed with thoughtfully led group sessions and individual spiritual direction sessions. Lorie Martin and Evy Klassen and myself will be your hosts for this silent retreat at the Pender Island Lodge.

We invite you to enjoy this week by the sea in a peaceful and inspiring setting:

Slowing down to listen, reflect and receive
Giving attention to God’s active presence
Being renewed and energized through the practice of silence
Experiencing Spiritual Direction as a tool for opening up the inner journey of the heart

Additional Opportunities:

Beautiful ocean and forest walks
Hiking trails
Time to watch for sea life
Exploring the coastline by canoe or kayak

For more information or to register, please go to

http://www.markcentre.org

Taize Evening Prayers at Westminster Abby in Mission

2011-05-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Taize Evening Prayers at Westminster Abby

Saturday, May 28th, 2011 8pm

This coming Saturday is a very special evening of the year for me.

It is the evening of Taize Evening Prayers at the Westminster Abby in Mission BC

The songs/prayers from Taize have made a huge impact on

my life and I've been passionate about sharing these songs with others

for the past 13 years or so.

I think in a time where many people are sick of religion,

sick of dogma, and empty tradition,

the songs of Taize offer a special gift.

What I have found with these very simple songs

is a way to pray.

I talk to many, many people about spiritual things.

Many people have given up on a church experience, but still hold a heart that is open to prayer.

But how to pray?

How do we navigate this unknown?

Brother Roger, who founded the Taize community, believed that simplicity of heart and simple trust where key elements in having a heart of prayer.

He also believed that a lifestyle of listening

was much more significant

than a list of beliefs.

He taught me that there is joy in the journey of trust

rather than the anxiety that comes from a life of fear.

This evening at the Abby is a simple hour of silence, songs, prayers and rest.

It is a time where we can gather together and just simply be and open ourselves to the mystery of what is beyond us all.

Free and Open to public

2011-05-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

more thoughts on joy.....

photo by rastudio.ca

this past Wednesday night I met Brother Emile from Taize, France. Brother Emile has been a monk with the Taize community for more than 20 years, I believe. He came to Canada this week to visit various cities and share about the theme of joy. I found this very interesting as I have been contemplating this subject myself so much lately.
Brother Emile asked us two questions:
1. Have you experienced something that is a companion to joy? Does joy come alone or is there something else that comes with it? (i'm not sure if I got this entirely worded the way he had it - but I believe this was the essence of his question.
2. Is it possible to opt for joy?

We gathered in small groups to discuss our thoughts around joy.
When I thought of what accompanied joy in my own experience, it was the feeling of 'child-likeness'. When I am truly joy-filled, there is a carefree element, a deep laughter, an abandonment of expression that I can only describe as being child-like. This is very beautiful to me and it speaks of not being forced or manipulated. Joy in this sense relates to inner freedom to be.
To opt for joy? This is an interesting question and one to ponder...is joy a choice?
We all tire of people that are positive to an extreme that they are not facing reality. This is not attractive and I don't believe holds the true meaning of joy.

Perhaps it was said best today in my studio. A woman came to buy the Love shines CD. She was drawn to the song, Winter is Over. She told me that as she gets older, the season of spring becomes more and more meaningful for her. She is aware of Winter - and how it is a great symbol in our lives for seasons of being barren, experiencing loss and death. She told me that she has become aware that as she fully embraces Winter in her life, the JOY of Spring has become that much more intense and real for her. This was so beautiful to hear from this beautiful woman. She summed up all that I would want to say here by that one thought.....
Because of her acceptance of the darkness - she is able to fully enter into the celebration of the light....and the joy was all over her face.
To opt for joy - perhaps involves embracing our suffering, weeping with those who weep, singing with those who sing and dancing with those who dance. In entering life fully in all that it offers, we will taste joy.

2011-05-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

remember sister.....

This weekend I am privileged to share music in a few places. The first is at the PASCH conference in Abbotsford http://fromtheshadows.ca/. Their theme is 'loving, reflecting and pursuing justice together'. The conference is about exploring social justice especially in the home - in our most intimate relationships. Powerful stuff. I am honoured to sing songs amidst story telling and poetry and a call to justice.
The second place I'll be sharing music is with Deborah Handley and the Seranata Singers of Mission (Saturday 7:30 pm St. Andrew's United) http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=224148510934857
I'll be playing recorder with two amazing students of mine, Megan Vandenberg and Dharma Smith - accompanying the choir. We'll also do a couple songs on our own. Rebecca Sichon will be singing Ordinary Miracle with me as well as Winter is Over. Boris Sichon will be accompanying on percussion. It will be an wonderful evening.
A song I will be sharing in both places from the Love Shines recording is Every time.....
the words have been powerful for me this week, especially the line;
'remember sister, you are free'

What is freedom?
As I hear the recording - I am wondering what I have yet to learn about all I have sung about!
What is true inner freedom?
For today, it is the choice to be grateful.....even as I live with complicated uncertainties
It is the choice of expressing love to those around me
It is the choice to keep dreaming
It is the choice to be fully alive and to invite those around me also to life.

What keeps me from freedom? - what holds me back is perhaps a 'poverty mentality' that says I need this or that to be free....I will be more happy when this is in place. Freedom says - it is here - it is now - it is within. This is a hard truth and one that awakens me to parts of myself where greater freedom is yet to come.

but .....I am human! I am learning and growing and I will keep singing this song and remembering....
I am free

2011-05-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

being mama - mother's day May 8, 2011

I have two beautiful daughters; Pera & Brianna
They have been and are two of the greatest gifts of my life
I remember coming home from the hospital with Pera after she was born and wondering if the police should stop me
what did I know about being a mother?
what kind of damage could I cause to this human being placed in my trust?
how did I become entrusted with the care of this frail human being?
It is an ultimate trust - to be given a child
A life has been placed in your hands
to give value to
to care for
to nourish
to provide for
I was terrified of making mistakes and hurting my daughters
I was terrified of failing in my role as 'mom'.
But - what a learning this adventure has been.
One of the greatest gifts they taught me was
to say
I'm sorry
I was wrong
I learned freedom in being human
I learned that it is OK to make mistakes - and I could allow them to make mistakes too
I learned to tell the truth and be more honest about my feelings
I learned to joke and have fun
I learned that a schedule is not always the most important thing
I learned that an orderly house isn't always possible when there are bedtime stories to be read
I learned that small hands like to help and not to push them away
I learned that the trust of a child is not to be taken for granted - it is a privilege
I learned that the love of a teen is not to be taken for granted - it is a gift
I learned to let go and that close-ness is not my right
I learned to celebrate two beautiful lives that are dancing their own dance
I am continuing to learn and learn and learn
Pera and Brianna - thank you for all you have taught me on this journey of motherhood.
I love you.

Mom - thank you for being my mom and for your zest for life and wild determination to stay positive no matter what. Love you too.

2011-05-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

Boris Sichon & me at Songs, Strings Steps - Abby Arts Centre May 2011

being a gypsy woman
this week I was able to enter the joy of being a 'gypsy' woman with the
Songs, Strings & Steps Performance (Calvin Dyck & youth orchestra)
I performed 'Secrets' with Kevin Boese, 'Ordinary Miracle' with Rebecca Sichon
and the 'Gypsy Song Medley' with Boris Sichon.
For each of these songs I was able to don a new costume...
the 'urban music chic girl' for Secrets - the 'classy piano player/singer' for Ordinary Miracle
- and the 'wild gypsy' for our Gypsy tunes.
In the weeks leading up to the show I had fun gathering my gypsy costume which included head scarf, two other scarfs, colorful skirt and loads of jewelry including jingly ankle bracelets, huge rings and necklaces.
There was something liberating about putting that costume on - it was simply FUN.
I have heard that to really know ourselves and what our deepest passions are is to follow our bliss - to follow what brings us 'joy'...to pay attention to those moments that are truly FUN and do more of that in our day to day lives.
Learning these folk gypsy songs with Boris has been extremely fun
when you sing a gypsy song - you cannot be contained
you cannot be shy
you cannot be intimidated - you must....
let it OUT
let it SHINE
let it SPARKLE
These songs are emotional, passionate, and full of energy
To sing them well, you've got to tap into your own emotions, passions and energies
The costume kind of goes with it - you don't wear beige if you are a gypsy.
you don't wear stud earings - you were BIG HOOPS.
You wear COLOUR.
You aren't afraid to stand out and let 'er rip
This is liberating
freeing
to express
to be
to shine

maybe there is a true gypsy in me - whatever the case I may just put on that costume a few more times :-)

2011-05-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

trust

trust is another word

that has taught me so much over the

past few years.

this morning it spoke to me again.

This word came into my life in a powerful way

when someone challenged me that I had an issue

with 'trust'.

I agreed! I did not trust!

Anxiety is a result of a lack of trust and I was full of it.

Anxiety propelled me into controlling behaviour that was unpleasant to be around and increased my unhappiness.

So, realizing I had 'trust' issues - I began a fighting dialogue -

with God...

it went something like this -

'I don't think I like you- and I definitely don't trust you!'

It was extremely liberating to be honest.

all my life I was taught to be a good girl - and good girls should not speak the truth - especially about negative feelings.

To be able to express my lack of trust felt 'human' and 'freeing'.

I could almost hear God laugh at me in joy.

'So you don't trust me? How's that working for ya?'

So, we began a dialogue that was actually quite humorous. My job was to be honest and then to listen. What I heard was profound and so releasing. I heard things like - 'OK, so you don't trust Me - just let me know when you're ready.'

There was no pressure to be 'good'....no pressure to 'please'....just an invitation -when I'm ready to jump into trust - that there was this Presence waiting for me to work with me.

So, one day - I said - OK - I'll trust you with this situation. I'll 'let go' of my control here.

I could feel the 'smile' coming big towards me.

My relationship with God has become this incredible adventure of dialogue - involving 3 basic steps:

being utterly humanly honest

listening

taking risks from what I've heard

this morning - again I was tempted towards anxiety

and again the old whisper -

'I'm here when you're ready to trust'

It brings a smile to my face when I hear this.
The adventure continues

2011-05-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

Joy

Over the past 14 years I have taken time to listen for

a 'word for the year'.

These words have had a huge significance in my life.

It started out by chance where I really was in a dilemma and needed wisdom. I took some time for silence and the word that emerged from that time of silence was 'wait'. It was not the word I particularly wanted to hear at the time. But I paid attention to it, and responded to it. When I would feel agitated or restless with my situation, I would go back to that word, and it sustained me. I realized it was a word I would learn how to 'live into'. It became a symbol of my spiritual path to be attentive to this word over a long period of time.

Over the years, there have been many words to live into. A couple of years ago, the word was JOY.

Joy was a word I heard a lot growing up - I knew we were supposed to feel joyful.

However, I knew that I could never muster up joy by sheer will power. I also knew that I wasn't currently feeling much or any of it in my life.
To recognize this put me in a serious quest for joy.

How does one attain joy?

Where does joy come from?

Who do I know that actually is joyful? (couldn't think of hardly anyone!)

when is the last time I felt joy and how did that happen?

I started watching people around me and looking for joy.

I started becoming even more aware of the lack of joy in my own life.

It was during this time that a quote from Brother Roger became very significant to me. Brother Roger was the founder of the Taize community in France. He was a contemporary and friend of Mother Teresa's and I have been profoundly affected by his life and writings. Brother Roger spoke of drawing from the 'well-springs of joy'. It was an image that spoke to me of joy coming from a place deep within....well-springs....something that I can draw from that is beyond my own humanity
..something deeper than myself.
It is like being a tree and allowing my roots to go so deep into the earth that they find rivers of life in the darkness that sustains them.

Going 'in and down' within ourselves is not such an easy thing to do.

It takes times of silence and of 'just being'.

But what I have found as I have allowed myself to do that - is that

I have tasted of a deep Love.

I have tasted of something that is far deeper than myself and so beautiful.

I have had water from a very deep well and it has fed my soul.

In this well, there is joy.

Joy that is beyond the deepest sadness

Joy that is stronger than any fear

Joy that liberates the heart

Joy that exudes LIFE
I do not feel JOY all the time - but I have tasted enough of it that I am hungry for it all the time and want to continue to learn how to draw from this well in deeper and deeper measures.
Joy has an amazing effect on our relationships and surroundings. I have found it to be contagious once someone is carrying it. I have found it can also disappear quickly by just a word or a glance.
Joy speaks to me of a life of HOPE
and a belief that Love exists
and that Love sustains all things
Joy
Joy
Joy
If you have thoughts about 'joy' I'd love to hear them.......

2011-05-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Vernon Visit

This past weekend i visited mom and dad in Vernon.

Many of you know they have gone through a lot of trauma in the past 2 months especially.

Dad almost died twice and mom has been super sick too.

They are currently in a temporary care home situation but plan to actually go home tomorrow -

we are all holding our breath to see how that will work for them.

Yesterday I asked if they wanted to go for a drive.

They jumped at the chance to get some fresh air and the feeling of sun on their backs.

So we drove to a beautiful spot called Turtle Mountain and I took this funny picture of the

three of us with my laptop.

Mom and Dad are having to face a future they didn't expect

with huge health issues, loss of strength and mobility.

It is not an easy time for them, but we were able to have a good visit with

lots of laughs and teasing thrown in.

I know they are going to try to make the best

of whatever comes their way in the next few days and weeks.

One quote from mom......when you ask her how she is feeling today (and this is her constant response)

"Oh - better than yesterday!"

I'm glad it's always today and never yesterday!!!

2011-04-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

photo by Jason Brown of Revival Art Studio rastudio.ca

Rebecca
I've shared a bit about Rebecca before... I love this photo of the two of us just before the Love Shines concert.
This precious girl loves singing and I want to encourage this gift in her. There is something that she experiences when she sings that I identify with - it is a way to express a part of yourself that doesn't come out any other way. When Rebecca sings, people pause. She sings from her heart, from her soul. she sings with a voice that understands that life is complicated but also that life is beautiful. She sings with emotion and with passion. When we sing 'Ordinary Miracle' together, there is a tenderness we share as well as a passion from the heart. Rebecca has a dream to sing for the rest of her life. I want to be part of making that dream a reality for her. In the meantime, I will enjoy inviting her to sing with me and she will continue to step out on her own as well. This week Rebecca, Boris (her dad) and I will be performing in Abbotsford at the Songs, Strings & Steps performance.
I will enjoy every moment of singing with Rebecca again.

2011-04-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

Cathy & her band of men

photo by revival art studio www.rastudio.ca

This photo was taken just before the Love Shines concert on April 16th - you may not be able to tell - but there were still a few butterflies in my stomach at this moment! These guys really were fantastic that night and I want to tell you a bit about each of them ...
On the far right - Philip Janz. Philip is the guy that produced the whole CD and engineered and mixed it as well. He is incredibly talented as a musician and as a producer. He has an amazing ear and understood the direction of many of my songs as I shared them with him in a simple form at the beginning of the project. Philip believed in me and pushed me to be the best. He was an amazing support for this release concert and played drums and sang with me. I love this guy!
Beside Philip - Peter Davyduck. Peter is a new friend of mine and I love his positive energy. He was so supportive in the studio and gave his all at our rehearsal and performance on the 16th. Peter - I want you to join me again!
Between me and Peter is Kevin Boese. Kevin I have known the longest of this gang....for around 16 years. He has been a faithful friend and a huge supporter of my dreams. He has served me in a zillion practical ways with setting up sound equipment, performing with me and encouraging me in my dreams. He is a great friend and was an awesome support at this concert.
On the other side of me is Brian Thiessen. Brian did an incredible job of playing various guitar-like instruments on the recording. His musical touch adds a lot to the Love Shines CD. Brian put his back out on the week of the concert and was in tremendous pain that night. But he served me in the midst of his pain and played incredibly. Thank you Brian.
Beside Brian Thiessen is Jonathan VanDyke. Jon and I have been friends for around 5 years now and he has an incredible voice. It was awesome to have him there at the concert to add some harmonies and textures vocally. thanks Jon.

On the far left is Boris Sichon. Many people after the concert came to me and told me how much they loved the concert - and then they would add......and that Boris!! Wow! Boris has travelled all over the world performing on many world stages with his talent. To have him support me in my musical dreams has been a deep honour. I have learned so much from working with him and have enjoyed every minute of it. Lots of laughs and good times we have had sharing music together.
what a great group of guys to surround me as I sang my heart out!!

photo by Jason Brown of Revival Art Studio rastudio.ca

2011-04-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Easter.....my thoughts today

photo from revival art studios revivalart.ca

Easter - my thoughts from walking in the woods today.....
I see in nature that things die.....life ends.....
and I also see that in the dead stump of an old tree a new tree coming in the centre.
I find evidence of death and new life everywhere -
that this IS life -
things die - and things are reborn
This is resurrection.
To embrace in life a knowing, an understanding
that sometimes you have to let go
sometimes you need to yield to death
but even as you do and you don't know what will happen
because you really, really have to let it go
there is a mystery that happens in the dying
a mystery of life
that new life emerges
where a death has occurred.
This I know.
This I have tasted
A Life Reborn

2011-04-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

Stories about children from Saturday's Love Shines
CD Release concert:

8 year old male student of mine during Land of the Silver Birch, 'Mom, I just love this song. I love it when Cathy sings it for our class. it is soooo beautiful.' He said this with tears in his eyes.

8 year old female student of mine that found me back stage and gave me the 'thumbs up' at half-time to her mom, ' mom, I just went and told Cathy she is doing a good job.'

5 and 6 year old brother and sister of my new friend from drumming - both crying during Breathing Together....they were thinking of their grandmother in Alberta and were overcome with emotion from the song.

7 year old girl who has listened to the CD and has put 'Every Time' on replay until her mother is going crazy!! She was so delighted that we did it TWICE in the concert and was dancing away.

I have been so touched by children. I heard once that you can tell your connection with a child by the light in their eyes. If the eyes are sparkling and shiny, you are able to communicate...but if the eyes are downcast and dull, very little can be transmitted from you to them. The power of connection with a child is always amazing to me and one that I never take for granted. To know that children, even very young children, emotionally connected with the music of Saturday touches me very deeply.
To have a child also want to give me the 'thumbs up' is so precious - she wanted to let me know that I was doing OK - because that's what a friend would do....and we're friends.

Listen to samples from the Love Shines CD

If you want to hear some tunes......you can get a taste here on the Emerton Records site.
you can order a digital copy here too - and hopefully a hard copy soon.

2011-04-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

A Day of Gratefulness - time to give thanks

photo by revivalartstudios rastudio.com

Yesterday marked the celebration of a dream;

the dream of a girl to sing and to share her songs.

It was a beautiful day and I am so grateful.

I had a thank you speech prepared for last night - and I forgot to give it!

But maybe this is better, because I can get it all out here and make it public

Yesterday was huge day in my life ......so many small baby steps to make one big step

I have taken many of these steps in solitude

in the hidden places of my heart

but recently these steps have had to be more public and I've taken more

risks in sharing my dream with others...

and then allowing them to join me in my dream.

Last night I felt so honoured by so many who have come to

believe and celebrate this dream with me.

I felt incredibly supported and surrounded

and I want to thank those who gave of their energy yesterday and in the days

leading up to this event in incredible measures.

I want to thank the musicians for encircling me with their presence and musicianship -

Philip Janz, Brian Thiessen, Peter Davyduck, Kevin Boese,

Jonathan VanDyke, Boris Sichon, & Rebecca Sichon. You all were such a joy to work with last night.

I want to thank Terry Neudorf for all the incredible work he did for me with the sound.

I want to thank Steve Klassen and his team for setting up my 'forest' and creating the space for my heart.

I want to thank the women who baked for our half-time food - the money donated goes to support someone going on a Silent Retreat at the Mark Centre;

Joyce Kehler, Brenda Janz, Cathy Crawford, Evy Klassen and Wendy Vandenberg

I want to thank Deborah Handley and her team for organizing the

front door and CD sales - incredible job!
Thank you to Charlie & Connie Peters for being the fire wardens for the evening.

I want to thank Darcie & Jason Brown for their photography which has been donated for this Love Shines CD and Release Concert. Your work has brought beauty & dignity to this project.

Thank you to David Vandas who did the video work last night - it was a privilege to have you come and share this night and record this memory!

Marika - your energy these past two weeks towards making this evening the best it can be has been such a beautiful gift. You have gone way past any expectation I ever would have had and have blessed my socks off. Wow - and wow.

thank you to everyone from Emerton Records who came out and supported this event and supported me personally throughout the evening.

I want to thank Evy Klassen for introducing me and being the amazing friend that she is in my life.

I want to thank my family who was there; my husband Brent and my daughters Pera & Brianna - all my siblings were there; Grace, Val & Randy - and their spouses; Steve, Ingrid & Dave.....

my nephew Steve from South Carolina, my neice Karen from Vernon.

Thank you to all the other friends, extended family, and all other guests for coming and making

April 16, 2011 an incredible celebration of Love Shining!

2011-04-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Jonah, the time in the whale is over

photography by revival art studio rastudio.ca

This morning I was telling Marika, my new friend...
(more about this amazing woman in another blog!)
how I've related to the story of Jonah. It really is a great story - of being swallowed up.
It has been a story I've related to as I've gone through a huge period of my life where
dreams felt swallowed up and it was dark in the belly of the whale.
We've been conditioned to be afraid of darkness.....and I was very afraid of my own darkness.
We've also been conditioned to disapprove of unproductive periods in our lives -
but when you're in the belly of the whale - it's hard to be
extremely productive.
We forget what happens in nature in the darkness.
Under the ground is all darkness - but that is where growth happens..
it is where a seed is safe enough to develop...
it is where the roots of a tree develop to sustain a marvelous plant
that gives life to others.
It was in my darkness that my soul was born again.
I came alive there in the darkness....it was slow
but it was real.
And now.....now is a new day.
I've been spit out of the whale. It feels a little scary at times.
But it is time. Time to tell the stories.
Time to sing the songs.
The songs that came in the darkness have powerfully impacted me
and I am ready to share them
with you.
Hope to see many of you at the concert tomorrow!!

2011-04-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

'and this is grace.....an invitation to be beautiful'

this week an angel came to me

her name is Brenda

She's a real person, but this week she was an angel too.

I guess she was paying attention to something beyond herself

She was thinking of me and felt she was to give me a song

She bought me a CD and brought it to my house

She had no idea what was going on for me

She had no idea what I needed

But she listened and followed through

and showed up at my door

with a gift

of a song

This song has a line in it that has been going

through me over and over

'this is grace...an invitation to be beautiful'.

Sometimes it is easier to wear clothes of shame, guilt, fear or anxiety.

It takes courage to 'rise up' and put on clothes of dignity, self-respect, and beauty.

To own our 'beauty' we must believe in our intrinsic value as a human being.

To embrace our 'beauty' we must know deep down we are treasured.

To embrace our 'beauty' we must BELIEVE

that we ARE somebody

To embrace 'beauty'

is to embrace a belief that Life is beyond just 'survival' -

Life is worth celebrating.

Life is beautiful

We are beautiful

Let us see the beauty in each other.

2011-04-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

Love Shines

Release Concert - this Saturday April 16th - 7:30pm

Matsqui Auditorium Abbotsford

tickets available on-line: Emerton Records

Love Shines now on ITUNES!!!!!

special pre-release price this week

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/rise-up/id431629421?i=431629476&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Life is full .......full of joy and sorrow - all mixed together! A friend from my faith community died this past week, my parents are in frail health, and life feels fragile on multiple levels. At the same time, I am captivated by watching an eagle soar over my head as I pause in the woods, the beauty of the daffodils blooming in my studio, the smile of a child, the clear, kind eyes of a stranger looking at me, the glory of a song, the warmth of a friendship, the warmth of the sun on my face. On Saturday I will sing. i will sing with my brokenness. I will sing with my humanity. I will sing with joy. I will sing with knowing of great beauty and the power of love that is beyond all things.

2011-03-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Looking Up

photography by revival art studio rastudio.ca

Yesterday we looked up

It was the one year anniversary of the

passing of Christian Friesen, my nephew

and a few of us gathered at the cemetery to

place his ashes in a beautiful wall, called Dogwood.

Instead of hanging our heads in sorrow,

we released balloons and

looked up.

It was a sign of hope

A choice

to keep going-

to have faith in tomorrow

to keep dreaming-

to LIVE.

Yesterday was also a celebration of a birth

....I picked up 2000 copies of Love Shines !!

My goal was to have it ready by March 25

so I could give the first copy to

my brother and his wife...

and that happened.

Love Shines in the middle of our darkness

Love Shines is a CD filled with hope.

I'm so excited to share this with everyone.......

soon.....

April 16th - come to the

CD Release Concert-

and celebrate LIFE with me.

2011-03-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

'singing through it all'

today I felt tired. It has been a wild 3 weeks. Dad has been in and out of surgery and things are still uncertain for him as he remains in ICU at present. Mom has been a trooper but fighting her own health issues & caring for dad. My sister Grace had a heart attack. My sister Val had to deal with a biopsy that we found out yesterday was cancer free (yay). We are also facing the one year date on Friday for Christian, the son of my brother Randy.
wow - some moments have just felt completely overwhelming. At the same time I've been aware that many people go through moments like this....life sometimes brings things on a pile.
I've been reminded of some of the words from the song, Courage for Today.....coming out on the Love Shines album.
I sang these words to myself today as I walked through the woods.....

'my song.....my song is singin'
my song is singing
my song is singing through it all
Because Love is strengthening me, givin' me courage for today,
Ya, Love is strengthening me, givin' me courage for today.'

lyrics from Courage for Today ......from Love Shines - being released on April 16th, 2011

2011-03-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

photography by Revival Art www.rastudio.ca

Song Stories
Love Shines CD Project

'Breathing Together'

Ps. 23 ’you make me lie down in green pastures; you lead me beside quiet waters. you restore my soul.’

This weekend I've spent time with both my parents in Vernon, most of our time together being spent in the Intensive Care Unit. Both my parents are physically exhausted from the stress they have lived through these past 2 weeks in particular. They are also facing much uncertainty in the days ahead. Dad is still in ICU and his condition is 'serious'. There were moments in our time together where we shared great memories from the past, laughed about crazy moments, and spent time in quiet silence together - overwhelmed at the present circumstance. A couple of times, I said to dad, 'let's just breathe together' and it was a way to share our time together without need for conversation.
The concept of 'breathing together' has become powerful for me these past few years. One evening 4 years ago I was having a difficult time and having a hard time breathing due to stress. A friend came, placed her arm around my shoulder and didn't say anything. She just 'breathed' with me, until my own breath was steady and calm. Somehow the power of her presence was much more powerful with quiet breath than with any words she could have ever said in that moment.

The song, 'breathing together' reflects the heart of this experience and the invitation to rest that I find in psalm 23.

excerpt from 'Breathing Together' from the Love Shines CD

When my soul is weary,

when my heart is heavy

Then you come & you tell me

Lie down, lie down

As I rest my body

then you lie beside me

And you breathe with me

2011-03-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today - In ICU

I arrived in Vernon today. My dad has been in ICU for the past week due to severe complications from a surgery and has come close to death. Right now his condition is serious and we don't know what the next few days will bring. On Sunday, my older sister Grace had a heart attack and joined dad in ICU. Needless to say, it has been a rather stressful week for all of us. Grace is recovering and will probably be discharged tomorrow.
I've been very concerned about my father and it was good to finally be at his side this afternoon and evening. Tonight became a significant moment for the two of us. It is hard for dad to talk and each word takes time to be formed and communicated. He made a big effort to communicate some things that were on his heart for me. He told me that life is too short for dreams not be be realized. He reminded me of some of the difficult years I have been through and that he admired me for keeping a dream alive in spite of so many challenges. In short, he offered me a blessing and let me know that he 'sees' me and is 'proud' of me. This is a great gift and one I will cherish as I live into my dream of sharing my songs.

And so on behalf of my dad, I invite us all to pay attention to the dreams that are deep within our hearts - listen to them, nurture them, honour them - life is too short not to live into them.

2011-03-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

Stories from Love Shines
Steven Lacoursiere
Nephew Extraordinaire

Steve was born when I was 11. I'll never forget how excited I was when he came into my life! I was the youngest of 4 kids and I was thrilled to have a new baby come into the family. As Steve became a toddler and young child I spent a lot of time playing with him and taking him for walks around the

neighbourhood when my sister would come home with her family. Steve was a precocious child and seemed to always get into mischief. But I adored him.

Steve has had a huge part in the Love Shines CD especially over the past 5 weeks. He has put together the graphic design for the album which you will see in a few weeks. He has put in countless hours over the phone with me and invested his evenings and weekends into this project as a gift of love.

To receive all that he has done for me is very humbling and I am truly grateful. Yesterday topped the cake though as he made extra phone calls on my behalf to deal with some practical challenges we were facing. He really didn't need to do this for me, but he did.

I love this guy - have ever since the day he was born.

And I think I am now realizing - he loves me too.

Thanks Steve.

2011-02-27T13:36:00.000-08:00

photo by revival art studios www.rastudio.ca

Love Shines CD Release Concert

April 16, 2011

7:30pm

Matsqui Auditorium Abbotsford

I want to sing.

This is the message that came up from my core that day

12 years ago

when I stood on the street corner of North Decatur Road and Clairmont in Atlanta, Georgia.

I had been asked 'what do I want'? two weeks earlier by a professional trying to help me deal with my deep depression. I was dumbfounded by the question.

I had no answer.

all I could think of was what other people would say.

I had lost my voice. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.

I didn't know my own heart any more. I was asleep.

I held this question throughout my days and nights and to my great surprise, this childhood longing emerged that day as I waited for a cross-walk sign.

I paid attention....and auditioned for a community choir. it was the beginning of finding myself again. My voice was soft and weak....frail. But I sang with this choir for 3 years and gradually grew stronger.

It has been a journey - to find my voice...a long, long healing journey.

This concert is a celebration of that journey.

I invite you to join me as I sing.

I want to share these songs with you and with as many people as I can.

2011-02-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

you.....are on my mind

February 24 - yesterday. Was and is a big date now for the Hardy family. 3 years ago yesterday, my nephew Trevor was killed... hit by a drunk driver. He was just approaching his 19th b-day.We gathered last night at his parents, Stephanie and Arwit Dueck to celebrate his life and remember him. It was a great time. But of course filled with pain as well.

And today....February 25 is the 11th month anniversary of the death of my nephew Christian, 17 years old...son of my brother Randy and his wife Ingrid. We are approaching the 1 year in March and part of me can't believe that he has been gone this long.

For both of these families, they have had to face shocking loss, unbearable grief and the choice of how to now live. To choose LIFE in the midst of such sadness and loss takes incredible courage and dignity and strength. To observe this in people you love is truly inspiring.

The question has come to me - how will you then live? How will we all live?
There is a quote by St. Irenaeus that has come to reside deep within me -

'The glory of God is a human being fully alive'

To be fully alive is perhaps the best answer I can give....to choose to be present, to choose life, to choose gratefulness, to choose to take risks in following dreams and passions...to fully live....is how I can say to these two boys I love.......Trevor & Chris.....you are on my mind

2011-02-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

A Journey into Gratefulness

'Do you think this just another day in your life?

It's not just another day. It's the one day that is given to you.

Today.

It's given to you.

It's a gift.

It's the only gift that you have right now.

And the only appropriate response is

gratefulness'

Brother David

I am inspired every time I take the time to listen to Brother David and his invitation to a daily life of gratefulness and to be present - to fully engage with what is right now.

What am I especially grateful for today?

amazing friendships

dreams being realized

generosity of strangers and loved ones

2011-02-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

photography by revival art studio www.rastudio.ca

a tribute to my mom.....

This week my dad turned 80 and I wrote a bit about him. But now I also want to write a bit about my mom and what I am so grateful for in my mother and how these elements have influenced my life and this Love Shines CD.

As a child one of my best memories of my mom is following her through the woods of Harrison Hot Springs. She would go many Saturdays into the woods to collect ferns, moss, pussywillows and wildflowers in a huge basket she would carry with her while my brother Randy and I trailed behind. At home she would turn these wild elements into enormous displays of nature (and works of art) that would greet people at church the following morning. As my brother and I would follow mom in the woods I remember sometimes being afraid of wild animals. There were stories of bears and cougars around Harrison and I was terrified of meeting my end along a lonely forest trail. But my mother seemed to have no concerns such as these - she not only walked in the woods, she marched in them as if she owned them. My mother loves the outdoors and has never been one to show much fear. If she wants to go somewhere, let nothing stand in her way....even a bear. Mom has also spoken lovingly of her childhood in the prairies and walking out in the open spaces by herself. I don't think she was afraid then either - she loved and still does being outside in nature - and celebrating the beauty that she finds. She has built enormous gardens, made special places for birds to come, and makes an effort to go walking outdoors as many days of the year as her health and the weather allow.

I think mom's love of the outdoors got into my skin and down into my bones. Breathing that wondrous fresh air every day, looking at the amazing mountains around me in the Fraser Valley, and spending regular times walking in the woods has become like my daily cup of coffee....how could I survive without it? ( I definitely CANNoT survive without my morning coffee!)
Mom - thanks for your enthusiasm for the beauty that surrounds us and having the eyes to see it and appreciate it and for taking me into it.
There are many more things I can write about my mom - but that is for another day and another blog :-)

2011-02-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

APRIL 16th - YOU ARE INVITED
LOVE SHINES RELEASE CONCERT

Well.....a major step has been taken and the Matsqui Auditorium has been booked for a LOVE SHINES CD release event on Saturday, April 16th at 7:30 pm.
Tickets and posters will start going out next week - but I wanted to announce the date today to let people start to know.
More info to follow next week!

2011-02-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Song Stories #11
The Journey of Being Known - and the story of the bent over woman

photography by Revival Art Studios www.rastudio.ca

Today Shaw Cable is airing a segment on me, my career of teaching piano, and the journey into my own music. I have watched the clip twice now before anyone else will see it. Part of me is terrified for anyone to watch this. The camera comes very close to my face - revealing all my imperfections! If beauty is skin deep - then I want to run and hide!!!! I've struggled often with my appearance ( as many of us do!) ....and it is intimidating to allow the public to come so close to me. However, a comment has been ringing in my head that a close friend spoke to me last week: ' Cathy, trust your presence.' What kind words - and words that bring me back to truth - that it is our essence that we bring to each other and that is truly 'beautiful'.
To know our own inner 'beauty' is a difficult journey for most of us - it sure has been for me. My inner heart has been 'bent over'. One day when I was struggling in particular with my life and how my heart was feeling - I went deep into the woods of Mission for a walk. I poured out my heart there. And then I saw this big stick and felt compelled to take hold of it and walk with it. As I walked with this stick, these words poured over me; 'Rise Up Woman- Rise UP'. Wow - to be called to rise up - lift my face to the sky and stand tall - when I sure didn't feel like it! But it was a call to me - and I had a choice in how to respond. I have realized at times it is almost more comfortable to stay 'bent over'. I am less visible there, I can allow self-pity there, I am not responsible there - I remain a victim. When I lift my face up and stand tall - I take my place and bring my presence. This is terribly frightening - to be fully present. But I am learning it is also a great gift. It is a gift to myself, to others and to the One who gave me breath. To live small and bent over is to disregard the gift of Life that has been given. To embrace this Life in me - means saying YES to being fully alive and allowing others to come close to that Life in me....and allowing you to see me on Shaw Cable!!!
You will see my imperfections - but hopefully you will also feel my 'presence'....which doesn't have an image factor value placed on it - which is incredibly freeing.

Here is an excerpt of the words to the song that is on the Love Shines album that came out of that experience in the woods;

Rise Up (and it is the black soul woman in me who sang this song - you will see!)

when my heart was troubled, I went to the woods to pray
when my heart was troubled, I went to the woods to pray
In my darkness You sang to me - woman, I have set you free
Take off the chains of sorrow, remove the veil of fear
find you courage, find your strength
lift your voice and stand up straight - Rise, I'm calling you to rise

rise up woman, rise up
rise up woman rise
rise up woman, rise up
rise up woman rise

there is a Gospel story from Mark 13 where Jesus healed a woman who was 'bent over'. He broke all the social taboos by speaking to her, inviting her to stand with the men and also touching her. I love, love, love this story and it has also become my story in this song.

2011-02-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

Happy 80th Birthday Dad
Stories for Love Shines - the blessings from my father.....

My father turns 80 today. It is a huge milestone to reach 80 years of living. Dad has experienced cancer for the first time this past year and gone through 2 surgeries but is coming out strong. He has been determined to live life to the full and has stayed active in any way he can.
As I have reflected on who my dad is, I am grateful for many qualities he has. One quality that has been a real inspiration to me is his love of staying physically healthy and strong. He learned to ski in his 40s and continued that sport until last year - he hopes to hit the slopes again. He plays tennis, bikes, and loves a vigorous round of ping pong. His activities have put him in the top percentile of his age group with health and given him a wonderful quality of life.

Another gift my father gave me was his own journey in following his dreams. After being a pastor for many years and then a counsellor, he decided to go back to college and become an ESL teacher. To make a decision like this at 65 years of age takes a lot of courage, sense of adventure and determination. To pursue following the Love shines project - I have had to face the fear and thought in my head - I AM TOO OLD - it is TOO late for me to dream.

But knowing that dad kept dreaming about new things and then trying them out has been an encouragement to me in my own life to take risks and to try.
Perhaps the greatest gift he has given me that has influenced my life and is truly a part of the Love Shines album. The gift my father gave me is his life of prayer. As a child, if I wanted to find my father, I would look for him in his home office. Many, many times I would silently open the door to find my father on his knees by his office chair. He would be holding his head in his hands and all was still and quiet. As a child and teen I knew that my father greatly valued his spiritual journey and that it was the centre of all the decisions he made. He sought through prayer to find strength, direction and wisdom for his role in the community and his personal life.
One way that dad pursued his life of prayer would be to go away for personal silence at retreats throughout the year. It would be time set apart from schedules and demands and would be filled with time to listen and to rest.
It has been a discovery for me in my 30s that this practice of time set in silence is a powerful gift. These times for me have become like anchors in my life....setting my course and giving me stability. It is a gift to know that my father also lived this way and maybe without realizing it, set an example of a lifestyle of prayer.

Happy Birthday Dad - thanks for all you are in my life.

2011-02-14T06:16:00.000-08:00

photo by Darrell Lecorre

Song Stories #10
Love Shines

This song has a long and continually emerging story - I will share some of it here.
It was the last day of recording the 'trust...inspirations from taize' CD (fall 2008) when I was in the studio with Philip. We were working on the last song and I remember thinking to myself that I had just used up every last drop of material I had - and there would be nothing left after this moment. Philip received a phone call then and so I took a break and lay on the floor in the studio and rested. In that moment, light shone through the window onto my face. As I received the light coming to me, the first part of the Love Shines song just came to me. I was so gripped by the simple melody and simple lyrics that when Philip did get off the phone and we had to get back to work, it was hard to concentrate. So, Philip helped me by recording a few lines of what I was hearing so I would remember it later and come back to work on it. And that is what I did and how the song became a song. It became a sign of hope to me that my songs were not yet over and that song-writing days were still in the works for me. I had dreams of embarking on my own and creating a Love Shines album - but it seemed like a daunting task.
In early March of 2010 I went to see my friend Christina Kautz in Florida. As I walked into her home, she had all this imagery of stars and moons. Immediately I wanted to sing for her the Love Shines song, but I didn't have my ukulele and she didn't have a piano - and so I let it go. Then bizarre moments started to happen! She was planning on taking me to a house concert with Victoria Vox, who I didn't realize at the time is a uke musician who was flying in for this event. Victoria flew in a day early and we happened to run into her. I found out she played uke and she graciously showed her instrument to me and I asked if I could play Christina Love Shines. Victoria listened as I played and then told me about a Ukelele compilation album happening and the cut off day for entries was in 2 days and she thought this song would be perfect. So, she asked me to sing it again and she recorded it on Garage Band on her MAC laptop and then we sent off the application. Love Shines was accepted for this uke album, Song Still Remains, which came out later in 2010 and thus the 'single' became born which helped me continue to dream about the larger project.
Just before I was to professionally record the single with Philip, my dear nephew Christian died. I was so devastated that I cancelled the recording. I just didn't know how I could do it. But after two days, I realized that Chris would have wanted me to sing and to do my best and to bring the message that Love Shines. So, I called Philip back and told me this, 'of course you need to do this Cathy. This is exactly what you need to do.' So, I recorded this song in the midst of intense funeral preparations and sang this at Chris's funeral. I will never forget that moment.
So - this song is full of story - joy and heartache.....all of life.

here is an excerpt of the words:

Starlight
Starllight
Starlight shine on me

Moonlight
Moonlight
Moonlight shine on me

Sunlight
Sunlight
Sunlight shine on me

Source of all light shine down
Source of all light shine down
Light shines and darkness flees
Source of all light shine down
Source of all light shine down
Source of all light shine down on me